Kinda-sorta Pregnant, Take 5

At some point, I would love to share the news of how our family keeps expanding. But it's not happening. This has happened so many times now, we have let Satan steal all our joy when we see those double lines or pregnant spelled out on a digital. Or a better way of thinking, God has us so guarded and protected that we are waiting on our joy. 

 On November 28, we got our positive. One week later, December 5, we started bleeding like a regular period. I assumed another early misscarriage, so I didn't give it much more thought. God has my heart protected something fierce. 

 I retested on December 15th, thinking it should be null or getting close. It was brighter than before. Then a quick test using the clear blue weeks indicator, and I knew something was off.  My hcg was rising, not getting lower. I'm a constant charter - you have to be with this type stuff - so in my heart I immediately know it's not viable and something is majorly wrong.  

Typically with an early misscarriage, I don't always run and get 900 HCG draws done. They don't really take it seriously until you've had three in a row, and once your HCG is dropping there isn't anything they can do. I just test from home with sensitive tests and make sure it drops. I've unfortunately become an old pro. 

 So here we go - with pregnancy number FIVE, finally third in a row. In the middle of all this, I realize I have to change OBGYN offices. I'm now double covered with insurance - John's and with my work. However, our insurance plan with work changed, so I have to switch practices. (The joys of medical insurance.) 

I make my appointment, have two blood draws 48 hours apart, have an ultrasound. My HCG is rising, but it's certainly not where it should be. (I knew this already....please don't preach fake hope to the serial baby maker.) They think it's possibly ectopic, but there's no way to see yet.  Everyone keeps mentioning the ectopic word.  (Insert my mad google skills, and bingo. Ectopic - loosing your ovaries, internally bleeding - it's scary stuff.) The HCG is going up, so the doctor doesn't want to do anything until we know for certain it isn't viable. (Although in my heart I know that answer and have had my peace for a while, the doctors need their peace.) We'll keep drawing blood to check the hcg, and follow up after Christmas. 

Christmas Eve rolls around, and we are at my in-laws. We were suppose to be at John's grandparents, but with PawPaw and Uncle K in the hospital, it was canceled. I had just fixed AO's plate and started fixing my own, when I had the awful sharp stabbing pain in my lower left ovary area. This is coming from the very pain tollerant girl who was up with no pain meds after DNCs and a csection and fine.  I immediately start stripping (my poor inlaws) and crying. This hurt. Something was wrong. After trying to catch my breath I thought maybe it could be an ectopic rupture. Every doctor, nurse, and ultrasound tech had kept preaching to come in the minute I thought something was off or hurting. That's exactly what google said, too. I'm sure a lot was sheer panic  because I didn't want to loose an ovary. 

So John and I made the decision to leave AO at Judy's and head to the ER. (Thank goodness I had a set of pjs in the car from Polar Express! She at least slept in her monogrammed Christmas gown on Christmas Eve.) 

We haven't been in an ER in about 15 years. (Yes, we are counting our blessings.) Apparently at the ER ectopic is a fast way to be seen quickly. The check in, triage and see a doctor for the first time took about 30 minutes. (I should probably mention that I had no shoes, socks, pants..... The one night I get gussied up with a dress, leggings and boots! Some sweet nurse found me a pair of socks for my stay.)  No bleeding, and a long ultrasound didn't really show anything either. The tech even said that the OBGYN office would be better for this.  Christmas Day, 6 hours and morphine later, the verdict was to just follow up with your OB on Monday. (And per the not so sensitive ER doc, just have a glass of wine and relax a little. I'm hopeful I never have to see her again, because my sweet self may just slap her.) 

Needless to say, Christmas Eve and Day were not how I had it in my brain.  My baby girl wasn't at home to wake up to presents from Santa - on what should be her first excited year. There was no annual looking at Christmas lights or for Rudolph's nose flying in the sky on Christmas Eve.  This mama felt so crappy I didn't get a single picture. AO was so out of wack and grumpy she didn't even want birthday cake for Jesus. 

 

We've racked and racked our brain trying to figure out what is going on. Is this pain even related to the pregnancy? The ultrasound showed a cyst on Monday. Why wasn't it there Wednesday at the ER? Did the cyst rupture? Wouldn't something have shown on the ultrasound?  Why the period like bleeding with clots and cramping - just like my previous miscarriages so early? Is it ectopic? Where is it in me?  Was it two different pregnancies? Why is the HCG rising? And sometimes even rising correctly? And the list goes on and on.

So we're back to the waiting game. Another doctor appointment, hcg/progesterone test, and ultrasound today. :(  At this point, I'm convinced it's ectopic and I'm not crazy. But I need someone to figure this out before we have a rupture and a massive problem on our hands. I know - and have known that something wasn't right from the get go. Especially on that lower left side. 

The good news - same as every other time. We can get pregnant. We also know that our progesterone is too low, so once we move on from this, we will hopefully find some answers to why it keeps happening. Prayers are appreciated. 

In other news, we are getting ready to list our house in January and make the move to Gordo this spring. Our Christmas vacation "prep the house to sell" to-do list didn't get finished due to all this, but sometimes I think God makes you slow down and have all day PJ days with your kiddo.  At least He makes me! 

Beginning a New Chapter

This new chapter in our lives has been a lonnnngggg time in the making. John starts full time with the post office on May 3! We're in our 11th year waiting, so our house is jumping for joy!

This means we finally get the benefits that come with his job at the post office, which are pretty darn fabulous, like most government jobs. Exciting stuff! Not to mention the pay raise. Hallelujah!

On a not so exciting note, we had another miscarriage this month. I'm beyond the point where we can beat around the bush about things like this. I'm fine, we're fine - It's just part of the journey.  This was another very early miscarriage, and unfortunately or fortunately these become easier and easier to deal with emotionally. I'm more sad that we didn't even really get excited. There are no celebrations when we get positive pregnancy tests anymore. That part kinda stinks, but I also know that it is God's way of guarding my heart.  I would like your prayers, though. This one has been harder on my body. Very draining and achy physically. I haven't even told anyone but John. I just don't like or want to talk about it. (It's WAY more fun to talk about the cute antics of my TWO year old.)  There's no good way to start this conversation. The benefit of living in this generation is taking early pregnancy tests. The downfall is taking early pregnancy tests. Twenty years ago I would have assumed it was just a two-week late period. Like I said, we're fine. Honestly.  Just needed to get that off my chest.

So if you are keeping track, here's what's happened so far:

BFP #1 - EDD March 4, 2011. MC. DNC August 2010.
BFP #2 - EDD March 4, 2012. Arleigh Olivia was born February 15, 2012.
BFP #3 - EDD January 17, 2014. MC at 7 Weeks.
BFP #4 - EDD December 27, 2014. MC at 6 Weeks.

Back to the fun stuff. I am excited about seeing what is next for our family. We've got our three year plan in motion to save, sell the house and make a decision about private or public school for AO. To my surprise, GORDO public high school has higher 11th grade test scores than any of the public city or county schools in Tuscaloosa. (Yes, I'm the nerd who makes spreadsheets from the data on greatschools.org.)  So the big debate of the moment in the Mansell house - do we relocate to Gordo or stay in Tuscaloosa and do private school?

The other option is moving to Gordo is doing PA, where my first two "nieces" Libby and Millie attend.  Lots of decision making and porch night conversations! Gordo is only a 25 minute drive from my office in Northport, which is quicker than the 40 minutes it takes me to get home in Hillcrest. The traffic on 69 south is HORRID! It would be a longer jaunt for Johnboy (40 minutes compared to his current 7), so we're still weighing all the pros and cons.   John would like AO to start and stay at the same school. I'm fine making changes up to about second grade. I'm a little concerned about the future in Gordo, but currently they seem to be doing a fantastic job. OF COURSE I will keep a check on these until we make a decision, but it's exciting to think that we are almost there!

I really have an old fixer-upper in my head, which is pretty much the only options if we head west. Or we can build, but the fixer-upper charm has my pinterest boards on FIRE.  The fact that we would be 45 minutes closer to my family, right near with John's, and about 15 minutes from my Aunt and Danielle, are HUGE factors in my mind. There is something about small town charm that is appealing.  And room for chickens. Who doesn't love chickens!!!!

It's a big time at the Mansells! Now I'm going back to pinning! :-)