Ectopic - Here we Go

I went to the OB appointment and had to see a different doctor, which turned into a huge blessing. My appointment was at 4, and I went back around 4:30. I heard them discussing that I needed another ultrasound, and a few minutes later the tech came to get me. She didn't say a word to me when I asked, but I knew it when I saw it on the big screen.  (This is my 5th pregnancy after all!)

 I sat back in a little waiting room for about 3 minutes, see the ultrasound tech talking to the doctor and nurse,  then immediately I see a doctor. When they find out it's ectopic, they move pretty quick, thankfully. He doesn't know how much I know since it's my first meeting with him, but starts explaining the dangers and prognosis. (Scary stuff!) 

Then come the Junkin tears. The tears weren't really from the loss, because I already had a good sense of peace from that. They were from the sheer relief that I wasn't going crazy and I knew my body. I'm not imagining this pain. (I also had a not so Christian like flash back of wanting to slap the insensitive ER doctor from last week who told me to relax and have a glass of wine, especially when my OB was telling me I've probably been in serious pain.) We've been dealing with this since November 28, with a LMP October 28. Should be 9 weeks pregnant. (But the HCG was wayyyy off from that, and I've studied enough about all this to have a good peace about what's going on.) With early pregnancy losses and blood and repeat ultrasound monitoring the days and weeks get excruciatingly long, because there are no answers until the voila moment when they have certainty.  I'm exhausted mentally from having to be my own advocate and researching all this, and forcing people to listen to what my body was telling me. (That whole I'm really not crazy moment. And yes, I said them outloud several times that day.) Of course I trust doctors, but they are so overworked and busy I believe it's my own responsibility to be prepared with questions and know what to ask. You can't do that by just showing up unprepared anymore. Especially when you are switching practices.

While I'm still in with the doctor, a nurse comes in to tell me the next process. I go to big DCH registration and check in as an outpatient. Then they take me to the Peds ward where they will do bloodwork and give me a chemo methotrexate infusion to start dissolving the ectopic pregnancy and the false pregnancy in my uterus.  I did not realize it was a several hour process, and my phone was almost dead, so I didn't call anyone to come to the hospital with me. AO was so much better in her routine with John, and truthfully, sometimes time by yourself is what you really need. 

The Peds nurses were also wonderful. It took several hours before the cancer center nurses came in decked in hazmat gear for my double shots. Quite an experience. And one I hope we don't have to repeat any time soon. 

First, I am extremely thankful that we have not had a rupture, and I'm still hopeful that it will not rupture. 

Second, I'm thankful that God uses every minute as a teaching tool. A lot of that comes from having a teacher as a Mama. Everything is always educational.  They gave me a chemo drug, and I am so very thankful this is my only time to ever see anything like that in action. It made me think repeatedly about our family and friends who fight big and very real cancer battles.  I was on the Peds floor, a place that we've never had to take Arleigh. Hearing those kids cry, I'm very thankful for a happy baby.  I had a tech who couldn't find my veins. Several sticks later, we were having a heart to heart about miscarriages and her late term loss of her son. I get to go home to my precious daughter.  Life and situations are most definitely what you make of it.

Part of me puts all this out as a record for myself.  

The other part just wants to shout from the roof tops that all types of miscarriages and losses are common. 

Our Pregnancies: 

BFP #1 - EDD March 4, 2011. MC. DNC August 2010.
BFP #2 - EDD March 4, 2012. Arleigh Olivia was born February 15, 2012.
BFP #3 - EDD January 17, 2014. MC at 7 Weeks.
BFP #4 - EDD December 27, 2014. MC at 6 Weeks

BFP #5 EDD August 4, 2015. Ectopic pregnancy discovered/registered on ultrasound at 9 weeks from LMP. 

We need to quit hiding ourselves in corners when we face losses. We lost part of ourself. It's ok to put it out there. It's ok to tell people you don't want to talk babies. You need new friends if they don't understand. It's ok not to want to hold newborns. It's ok to cry the first time you do hold a newborn.  It's ok to avoid the baby aisle and departments like the plague. It's ok to refuse to read the big sister/little sister book from the mail. It's ok to be at peace about it. It's ok to feel like crap. It's ok to pray and be happy for all the babies in heaven - or talk about your babies in heaven. Or want to avoid the topic.  It's ok if you need to stay in your pjs for a week. It's ok if you are like me and need to go back to work and your routine immediately. It's ok to talk. It's ok not to talk. 

What's not ok is thinking it's ok to face it alone. It's not ok to think that no one cares.  We live in an age where we stub our big toe and the world knows about it. Everyone always over shares!  Why not losses? 

My question----Why do we hide from the things that matter?