Beginning a New Chapter

This new chapter in our lives has been a lonnnngggg time in the making. John starts full time with the post office on May 3! We're in our 11th year waiting, so our house is jumping for joy!

This means we finally get the benefits that come with his job at the post office, which are pretty darn fabulous, like most government jobs. Exciting stuff! Not to mention the pay raise. Hallelujah!

On a not so exciting note, we had another miscarriage this month. I'm beyond the point where we can beat around the bush about things like this. I'm fine, we're fine - It's just part of the journey.  This was another very early miscarriage, and unfortunately or fortunately these become easier and easier to deal with emotionally. I'm more sad that we didn't even really get excited. There are no celebrations when we get positive pregnancy tests anymore. That part kinda stinks, but I also know that it is God's way of guarding my heart.  I would like your prayers, though. This one has been harder on my body. Very draining and achy physically. I haven't even told anyone but John. I just don't like or want to talk about it. (It's WAY more fun to talk about the cute antics of my TWO year old.)  There's no good way to start this conversation. The benefit of living in this generation is taking early pregnancy tests. The downfall is taking early pregnancy tests. Twenty years ago I would have assumed it was just a two-week late period. Like I said, we're fine. Honestly.  Just needed to get that off my chest.

So if you are keeping track, here's what's happened so far:

BFP #1 - EDD March 4, 2011. MC. DNC August 2010.
BFP #2 - EDD March 4, 2012. Arleigh Olivia was born February 15, 2012.
BFP #3 - EDD January 17, 2014. MC at 7 Weeks.
BFP #4 - EDD December 27, 2014. MC at 6 Weeks.

Back to the fun stuff. I am excited about seeing what is next for our family. We've got our three year plan in motion to save, sell the house and make a decision about private or public school for AO. To my surprise, GORDO public high school has higher 11th grade test scores than any of the public city or county schools in Tuscaloosa. (Yes, I'm the nerd who makes spreadsheets from the data on greatschools.org.)  So the big debate of the moment in the Mansell house - do we relocate to Gordo or stay in Tuscaloosa and do private school?

The other option is moving to Gordo is doing PA, where my first two "nieces" Libby and Millie attend.  Lots of decision making and porch night conversations! Gordo is only a 25 minute drive from my office in Northport, which is quicker than the 40 minutes it takes me to get home in Hillcrest. The traffic on 69 south is HORRID! It would be a longer jaunt for Johnboy (40 minutes compared to his current 7), so we're still weighing all the pros and cons.   John would like AO to start and stay at the same school. I'm fine making changes up to about second grade. I'm a little concerned about the future in Gordo, but currently they seem to be doing a fantastic job. OF COURSE I will keep a check on these until we make a decision, but it's exciting to think that we are almost there!

I really have an old fixer-upper in my head, which is pretty much the only options if we head west. Or we can build, but the fixer-upper charm has my pinterest boards on FIRE.  The fact that we would be 45 minutes closer to my family, right near with John's, and about 15 minutes from my Aunt and Danielle, are HUGE factors in my mind. There is something about small town charm that is appealing.  And room for chickens. Who doesn't love chickens!!!!

It's a big time at the Mansells! Now I'm going back to pinning! :-)

So...We're having another baby...Or not

That got your attention didn't it. 

Well, it got ours, too.

This one is a personal one, so you can stop reading if you don't like girl-talk.

But....If you choose to read it.... Make sure you read it all, k?

Here we go.

We got out BFP (Big Fat Positive) last week and were OOOOooo so excited. We were pregnant! Four (all positive) pregnancy tests later, we were sure and  pumped. Told our parents this past weekend.  Due January 17, my mom's birthday. 23 Months apart. Perfect. Bought AO her very own big sister shirt to wear around the house, so it could sink in with me.  Even had time to teach her to touch my belly and say baby. (So ignore that one if she does it to you.) Close in age will hopefully mean they will be close sisters. Because I just know it's a girl. (Silly, I know.)  I was already dreaming of a girly tweeny craft/music room instead of play room, making potholders and playing with baby dolls instead of playing play station, and hot pink and turquoise. (If we ever have a boy it's going to ROCK my world.)

Lets back up to 2010. Our first positive pregnancy test. It took soooo long the first time. We weren't trying - not like going to the fertility doctor trying. But we most certainly were not using any pregnancy precautions; and I was monitoring all that girly stuff you can monitor on your own to get pregnant. If that makes any sense. Then we lost the baby. And I cried. A lot. John did the "what if" game. A lot. And we grew closer. Our marriage got so much stronger.  Then (EXACTLY a year later TO THE DAY, total God Thing) AO was conceived. And (thank goodness) she had lots of baby magic (GOD) dust and stuck.

 But we never "struggled" with fertility problems. That's a different and much more difficult struggle entirely. We are just one of the millions of (what I consider) normal folks who can't flip the switch and have a baby.   In my crazy, glass-half-full way of thinking, I'm glad I never have to worry with birth control.

Back to the story.

So, last week, I made my doctor's appointments and signed up for blood work.

Then, Tuesday night, the bleeding started. Not to get too personal, but you can bleed pregnant. It's actually quite common. I never did with either of the past two pregnancies. Maybe a little spot, but this wasn't normal. It was worse than a regular cycle. The kind that wakes you up from dead asleep because you can feel it, not normal. (Sorry for the TMI!)

Long story short, we called the doctor, who suggested we come right in to the office. They wanted to do blood work and check the HCG levels.

Trying to get blood.  Not pleasant. 10 DIGGING sticks searching for a vein - even with the butterfly, the old timey syringe, 3 LPNs and 2 Lab Techs later for one itty bitty vial of blood out of the back of my wrist. That tender spot was the last resort, with the hospital lab expert they called in specifically to stick me. I seriously thought they would stick my foot any minute.  (In case you were wondering, I'm sore to match my black and blue today.) I was thanking my Granny again for her tiny, rolling, deep veins I inherited.

Later the same day, we got the dreaded phone call. "Your HCG levels are low. You need to come in tomorrow. It's really to early to make any conclusions, and Dr. E wants to do blood work again tomorrow." Heard that before. Like a 47 HCG at 6 weeks way too low. I knew exactly what this meant.  I keep up with these things. I knew my LMP and the conception date. This kinda bleeding with that number?

Possible miscarriage. Impending miscarriage. Whatever you want to call it.  But in my heart of hearts, I already knew the answer. I know what this means.

All I can say about this time... I thank GOD that this has been a faster process than last time. And that evidently getting pregnant wasn't as hard this time. (That's a bigggg whoopieeee!!! If you have ever struggled, you know what I mean.)  It's just staying pregnant that is the trouble.  And I am SO thankful that my body naturally miscarried (at least we're 90% sure) so that we don't have to go through the horrible waiting and waiting and DNC process. That part...where your brain plays tricks on you and you search online aimlessly for hours even though you know in your gut the truth....it is painful. Ultrasounds, bloodwork, more ultrasounds, misoprostol, then DNC, then more blood work drawn out over weeks so a quick closure is impossible. 

The only thing to do this time - keep getting blood draws until the HCG is zero. That I can handle. 

The God-given peace is SO extremely comforting this time. I don't have false hope. And I am so thankful for the peace.  I know it's better for me physically and emotionally. The first miscarriage was confusing, long, drawn-out and scary. This one - not so much.  I had another close friend go through one recently. And then, there's my bestie Kimberly's story.  Makes my little bitty suffering so much simpler.  And thinking about her pain makes mine hurt so much less. I truly don't know that kind of hurt and pain.  I have a child. I don't have a reason to make myself suffer this time. I am truly ok.

 Most people don't like talking about these type things. And I get it. It's personal. So very personal. But for whatever reason, it makes it easier for me to put it all out there. Plus, by putting it out there you get all the folks who tell you it happened to them. Which believe me, is a lot of people. When I think of my close circle, 75% have had a pregnancy loss of some kind. Blighted ovum, ectopic, molar. It happens, and it is extremely common. Maybe my thought is that by talking about loss, we up the chances that some girl out there will hear about it BEFORE it happens to her for the first time. Because that first time is the worst. So she's not so shocked and can handle it better. So she knows it is absolutely normal. Maybe, just maybe.

Or maybe it's more selfish. Maybe then we won't get the "so when are you having another?" questions, which I DREAD. If you aren't in my innermost circle, you don't get to ask that question. I hated it before Arleigh, too. I always want so bad to say (for 6 years before AO) "When God wants a baby to stick and grow in my uterus, you numb-skull."  (Not the most Christian like response, I realize.)  What do people think, anyway? What do you expect the answer to be? You want me to pull out my iphone tracker so you can see my ovulation cycle? (Sorry, I can be a little much at times.) If you are in the circle, you know all of this anyway.  So if you have friends going through this, for goodness sake be delicate on how you approach this situation.

I'm headed to go cuddle my precious (and ohhh so sweet) Arleigh right now. It's like she's extra cuddly just for me. :-)  My heart is definitely full with her. But there also seems to be a piece of our family that is missing. It's hard to explain. I'm just still torn on how the other piece of the family will fit. If you know us, you know I am oh-so-pro adoption. We have very precious members of our family and church who have adopted domestically and internationally - some because of fertility issues and some because they had that calling. But John has this idea that his kids are all biological. In my heart I know God will change his heart if it needs changing. Only God knows our game plan.  Maybe we'll be pregnant again in no time. Maybe God will make my family complete as it is in my heart. I'm not going to stress about it. That's all in God's plan. Just gotta trust it. 

The peace you feel when you just let go. That peace, the sweet relief that only comes from Him...I'm enjoying it. And I refuse to let this little bump in the road take my joy. I'm going to use it to draw closer. This life is way to short to spend it miserable.  So now you know. I really am okay with all this. 

Later Gators.  I'll leave you with this. Another Jesus Calling. Don't you just love it? There is something so comforting about Jesus talking directly with you. And I love this one. It's especially true right now. This one hits home. It's so hard to have this kind of trust and faith, isn't it? Trying to tell the human brain to not worry? But He loves us THAT much.

I, the Creator of the universe, am with you and for you. What more could you need? When you feel some lack, it is because you are not connecting with Me at a deep level. I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything.

It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
—Romans 8:31–32

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
—Micah 7:7


Happy Memorial Day weekend to you and yours.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

For a few months, John took over taking AO to school in the mornings. He's a mailman, and they changed their start time until later, so it made sense because he had extra time in the morning.

But this Mama didn't like it. I missed my morning rides to school with my 14 month old sweetie. I missed all the chit-chat with the teachers about what my kiddo was getting into. (She's the one with no fear...Also known as the paci thief.)  So I started taking her again. I soak up any moments I can get as a working Mama.

This morning, we were doing our usual sing-songs with Mama singing and acting like a nut.   We only have a two mile stretch to the church, but it's filled with nutty-Mama antics.  This morning, I was singing the old fashioned ♫ "Jesus Loves Me", except for every "Me", we say "Arleigh", just like we have done since she was a itty-bitty.

I got to the end - "The Bible Tells me Soooooo".... and once I finished, I heard a wee little sweet voice in the back seat go ♪♪♫♪♫ "da bi-buh...." (Translation - The Bible ♪♪♫♪♫) PRECIOUSNESS.  We've only sung this song every day of her life... But she's listening. And I love it. My baby is growing up on me.  Makes me really glad I hijacked back my morning daycare drops. :-)

I love my morning dose of K-Love on Iheartradio. I do country most afternoons, but K-Love is how I start my day. Tuscaloosa doesn't have a local station that plays K-Love, only AFR.

Anyhoo, this is my current favorite song.  I just LOVE the words. I encourage you to stop and listen. Even if you aren't in a dark spot, there are always some fuzzy moments where songs like this help. Mercies in disguise. I just love that thought.

My favorite line:
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

I've SO been there before. Have you?  That point where all you know to do is get on your knees and pray "God, Help Me" - this song hits home.

Right now we're climbing a pretty good mountain peak in our lives, and in our marriage. But it always hasn't been this way. It's a challenge. Sometimes a daily challenge. (I have a hard time with the think before you speak thing...But I'm REALLY working on it.) 

I don't open up a lot about the journey I'm on because it's personal, but it's also a constant battle. I'm not always the best witness for my faith. Especially when I face challenges.  It's ups and downs. Then downs. Then ups. Then mountain peaks. Then the depths of the valley again. But it all makes sense. Because it's mercies in disguise. HIS mercies in disguise.






"Blessings"  Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near


What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

BFF Kimberly - Off to Phoenix!

We've been friends for years. Seriously...It makes me feel old just thinking about it. Her parents transferred to a little bitty rental house next door to my family when they first moved to New Hope around 1990.  I remember sitting on the floor of her bedroom playing the game of  Life. How appropriate for us.  They didn't stay in that house long, but Kimberly and I have been friends ever since. So far, we've been through first boyfriends, first kisses, churches and church trips, going with me on my first date (which her mom took us on!), sleepovers and even more sleepovers, transferring high schools (I'm still devastated about this one), a Tom Cruise crush, proms, bad breakups, college decisions, trips to LA and New York and everywhere in between, more boy drama, then finally both meeting our Johns. Then it was more serious talk about marriage, air force, deployments,  growing our faith, being a wife, raising our babies, work, and every relationship in between. She's my rock. She never judges. But she will seriously tell me I'm crazy if I need it.

We've been there from moves to colleges and Seminary in Dallas, Texas, about 15 different houses and apartments in Columbus, Mississippi,  my little family moving to Tuscaloosa, the Ryan's to Phoenix, Arizona the first time, then Sumter, SC, then back to Phoenix.  But when we need each other, we can tell it. And we make time. Even if it is just for a four hour phone call about nothing just because we needed a break from life to laugh.

We stood by each other as maid of honor when we got married to our boys both named John.

 

We were there when we both had our first babies.

And we were there for everything in between. It's so incredibly rare for your childhood best friend to grow up and STILL be your best friend. We've been blessed.

But now, Kimberly's had a tragedy that I can't shake from my core. She lost a child. She was there for me when I had our miscarriage and got pregnant again, but it's nothing like loosing a child who should have survived. She had to plan a funeral for her child. Who was a perfectly healthy girl. Who had a name. When you think everything will be fine, only to hear those words "Ava didn't make it". Just a freak, freak, accident. Who has to deal with something so gut wrenching like loosing a child? Especially during childbirth - something most of us completely take for granted as a blessing and a bright spot in our memories?  Loosing a child that should be here now. Why her, God. Why? 

I still have the voicemail from John on my phone. And I remember the words from Kimberly. I hurt because she hurts. It makes me so sad to think about her pain of not being able to bring Ava home. 

To give her all the love her little life could stand.

But today, I'm leaving on a jet plane to hug her neck. And I'm excited. :-) Lots of chocolate and laughter in my near future. You should be very jealous.  

Not sure Phoenix can handle us in the same zipcode. Even if it is just for the weekend. :-)

Family Really is Everything

In order to know where we are in life, sometimes you need to know where we've been for it all to make sense. 

For the first years or so of my life, Christmas eves were spent at my MawMaw and PawPaw's, opening presents from Aunts and Uncles and watching for Rudolph's nose in the sky with Uncle Bruce. Once the Sansing family started changing generational hands, my Daddy took it upon himself to make sure we keep the traditions alive. Now we meet for Sansing Christmas at the Camp. 

For the past 33 Christmases, I've gone to my Pop and Granny's on Christmas day.  Junkin Christmas was a little different this year, too. We had it early, at my Mama's house. There were no traditional pictures in front of the tree with unintentionally coordinated outfits. It was different, but a good different. It's a hard pill to swallow when generations and patriarchs leave. But, I am ever-so-thankful that both sides of my family view family togetherness and family relationships as the most important thing in life.  They really do. I'm closer to some of my second and third cousins than most people are to their first cousins. Some of my first cousins (that's you Danielle and Brock) are more like siblings to me. And we're closer than most siblings. And to us, it's absolutely normal.  Family is the only way to keep tradition and family values alive. We actually love each other....and for the most part, (GASP) actually really like each other!  

The new era in the family is a little different. People these days are more scattered. Mama's and GrandMama's have to go to work. Daddy's have to work on the weekend. We can't go to my Mama's and have lunch every Sunday for Arleigh and Swayze to make their own memories, and it really stinks. The thought of me and Brock fighting over the last chicken leg at Maw Maws, creating mysteries in the scary closet, almost stepping on a rattlesnake, milking cows, gathering eggs, feeding goats, feeding our summer watermelon rinds to the hogs....the list for our "old" Sundays goes on and on. 

Or the fact that Arleigh can't just get off the bus at NanO's every day. She's not going to spend nearly as much time with her grandparents as I did throughout my childhood. Granny's was HOME for me. And it's not that we don't want Arleigh to grow up the old way, but for the fact that miles are between us now.

I learned to cook and put on a spread from Granny. I learned hospitality from Granny. I learned values and love from Granny. My secrets died when she did. Just like Josh learned everything from Pop. They were our neighbors and our grandparents. It was our own little island away from the world. When I'd run away from home, I'd run through the woods to my Granny. (And my Uncle Richard, too.) There we were perfect. There we were loved. There we got to be kids. Real kids, with no TV (oh the horror!). We'd get off the bus in the afternoon and be greeted with a special snack and half of one of Pop's canned cokes. On rainy days as a treat we would play in the junk room upstairs. We'd play dress up, store, library....or (my favorite role) Shirley Temple from the littlest princess. (With my pretend fire place while I read books on apple boxes.) And can you even imagine...My favorite books growing up - My granny's and my Mama's. I loved Nurse Cherry Ames, the old Nancy Drew, all of Laura Ingalls Wilder, Box Car Children, anything by Grace Livingston Hill or Louisa May Alcott. (I've often said I was born in the wrong era! Bet you didn't know that about me!) When it was pretty, we played in the barn, picked catawba worms, peas, or muscidimes, went fishing (but you better have Pop's permission), played behind the old chicken coop in our pretend play house that didn't exist. Or when we got older and would go down in the bottom, and cross a fallen tree to our little island in a washed out gully and play war with sling shots and find pieces of old bottles and broken china, because of course our island was the middle of an old dump. A whole different world from the way Arleigh gets to grow up now. A world most kids - and even adults today - have never seen. A world where you couldn't mow grass, fish or even hunt on Sundays. They were about church and family. A world where Grandmothers were always home, and always would stir up something special just for you...just because you were you. A world where you put on a spread every night for supper, because that was your gift to the family. It was a very different world, but a beautiful, much simpler world.

That's our biggest challenge as a family. How do you still let kids be kids? I didn't grow up with Mario Brothers. I grew up with a real brother.  We didn't have those kind of things.  How do you make sure family gets to still be family? How do you make sure that kids spend enough time with family to really understand where they came from and where they are going?

We're all a work in progress, aren't we. Figuring it out day by day. That's my challenge to myself for 2013. More family time, and then even more. We've only got one family, and I want Arleigh to know how important it really is to who you are as a person.  We're lucky, because my family is made up of pretty awesome individuals that would be great influences, in their own way, on Arleigh. I want her to be well rounded because she's made from a village of people. How do you do? Do you let others influence your child, or do you think it's all on you?

Learning from Pop

We've had a pretty great ride with parenthood so far. Arleigh is a great baby. She's a singer and a chatter box. And she's OH so sweet. And she loves her Daddy.  Minus the salmonella, allergies, snot and ear infections, she's been a breeze. And I have a prayer for her life. I want her to be like my Pop. Or grow in Christ even more than him.  And find a man who loves the Lord as much as him. It's the circle of life. It will be his legacy.

I'm not perfect. I'm FAR from it.  But at least I have fantastic role models that are leaving the right kind of legacy for me to follow. Not just my Mom and Granny, but my Pop.

Right now, as I type this out, my Pop is laying in the hospital in the comfort care (and according to his doctor) on his final few days. This afternoon, I'm headed to Columbus to be there for my Mama.

One of my favorite Pop stories is about when one of my aunts decided to run away. My mom's greatest memory of that time is that my Granddaddy stayed in his chair reading the Bible, not saying a word, the entire time she was gone.  That's the Pop I want the world to remember. That's the Pop that I want to remember. That's the kind of parent I want to be. That's the kind of man I want for Arleigh. That's the kind of man everyone needs in their life.

Pop's journey to becoming a Christian is pretty amazing too. I remember him telling his story about not  growing in Christ until they had Aunt Nancy, my Mom's special needs sister. In a age where babies who were different were locked away, they made the decision to turn their lives over to the Lord. How amazing is that? Instead of asking why, they made the decision to just change. Change for the better.  I will always remember him as a man who expected the best from me. But most importantly, my favorite memories are when he was growing older in life, you would always find him in his chair reading and studying God's word. Even on days as a child when he wasn't plowing, fishing, hunting, or working in his shop, you would find him studying his Sunday School lesson and learning. How else can you truly grow in Christ? I'm learning more and more that no books, people or life can teach you anything for certain. The Bible is the only truth on this earth. It's the best way to hear God. Pop knew that. I hope and pray  I can grow more like him. That's my prayer.

Truthfully, as hard as it is to say or even fathom, he's going to a MUCH better place. He's going to see Jesus and sit by God. This much I know. He's going to receive the riches of glory. He's going to see my Granny, and hopefully give her a big ole hug for me.  Part of me is so excited for him. Our  family transitioning to a new "family", without our patriarch, will be extremely difficult. Especially on my Mama, Aunts and Uncle, and my little brother.

I want to hold on to the memories. About the peppermints in his pockets on Sunday mornings for me to find when I sat beside him EVERY Sunday at church. Or P-O-P being the first word I could spell, and I remember spelling it for him over and over. How he aways had a real handkerchief. Letting us watch him in the shop or work with him in the garden as kids.  Picking muscidimes to eat and catawba worms for us to go fishing, or for him to sell the worms at the lake. Skinning deer and how you never ever want to bust the stomach. How he was a sharp shooter, but he couldn't stand war. And how he didn't want to talk about his military service. How he helped my Daddy build the camphouse, and how he truly believed it existed for family. He taught us that you never mow the yard or go fishing on Sundays. Sundays were about church and family. And as kids, we did just that. When we were younger we went "visiting" on Sundays. How he loved cashews and those orange circus peanuts. How he could be tough as nails, but it was only because he had high expectations. How he would pick me up at school or take me to the doctor when I was sick. (I called my Granny when I was little and at school sick, and my Pop always came to get me.) The delayed reaction when he would pick up the phone and say ............."Hello". How I remember his work jumpsuits he always wore, always navy or green. How he ALWAYS folded his pajamas and put them under his pillow. How he loved the outdoors and was so talented and (in my mind) could fix or do just about anything. He loved wood working and making things. How he grew up in a different time...and he still would hammer out bent nails or eat half a can of chicken noodle soup. How as a kid, his Coke was a treat, and you didn't dare drink one without permission. That you better keep the back porch door shut if the air conditioner was running. How he always had a dog. And he couldn't stand the cats. (Even though I loved them, and he ALWAYS had a bunch.) Cooking his supper and making his favorite white cake with chocolate icing, and lining up the pecans on top just like Granny taught me. How he would ride his 4-wheeler or walk through the woods to our house because he hadn't seen us that day.  Or as we grew older, because he heard we were were home. (But he wouldn't say that.) If we weren't at church, he would stop by to find out why.  And if Mama wasn't going for whatever rare reason, you ALWAYS had a ride to or from church. He let us be kids, but respectful kids. But don't dare slide down the stairs or play in Granny's junk room. :-) How he expected us to do right and act right. (Granny, on the other hand, would let me get away with murder.) How he always called me Sis as he grew older, and how he softened with age and loved kisses on the cheek. His silly Christmas socks and his bunch of ties. How he's taught the older men's Sunday school class as long as I've been alive. How he was always clean shaven until he started going down. Pop got to be there for my wedding. He met Arleigh. He had pizza with Clarence in our living room. Last Christmas, our Pop envelope was addressed to John, Penny, Clarence and Little Penny. How he gave CLARENCE a dollar at Christmas and had a sense of humor. How he STILL used his military issued razor. How he didn't loose his sharp-as-a-tack mind. How he called Arleigh his baby. It's almost if what I remember as my Andy Griffith Mayberry childhood is going too. I have so many awesome memories. He loved us. He loved family. All of us, even my crazy dog.  He even let Clarence in his house to visit.  Most importantly, he took his role as a Christian seriously.

The fact is, up until fall of last year, my Pop was still plowing fields and hunting at 89. This new life, of being confined indoors and not able to participate in life, just isn't him. It's selfish to want to hold him here when he can be back to plowing fields in heaven and sitting with God.

Last Saturday, I attended a bible study on leaving a legacy. When I think of the legacy I want to leave, I think of my Pop. It's the legacy he is leaving us with, and I want to leave at least as much with Arleigh. I pray that she remembers me as I will remember Pop.

With all the prayer requests, let me encourage your prayers in a different direction. Let me encourage you to pray for the souls he touched all these years to keep on reaching and teaching others to come and grow in Christ for generations to come. Let that be his legacy. Pray for peace as our family transitions one of our best to heaven.   Pray for God's will in this. Pray for us to never forget him as a man of God. Pray for all of us to be more like him, and in doing that, we will be grow closer to HIM.

1 Peter 1:3-5 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

Top 10 things I didn't know before Arleigh

10.  Nasty, smelly poop can excite you. Especially when your baby is crying and fussy and you know she just needs to let it out. There has been once already where we were so excited and happy there could have been balloons, cake, and ice cream afterwards.  Speaking of belly issues, babies have gas. And bad gas can have grown up smells. We are in amazement sometimes that 12 pounds of cuteness can clear a room.

9. Babies cry and get fussy when you try to eat supper. Arleigh is the best diet invention yet. Apparently when I come home from work I'm all hers. It means we rarely cook supper anymore, too. I like that arrangement, but I have to eat sometimes. Lots of meals of triscuits and hummus so far. Apparently Arleigh's "I want my mama and my mama wants me" diet plan is working. I'm down 14 pounds in the past three weeks. (Way to go Arleigh!) It also means that my lean cuisines at work for lunch are extremely enjoyable. It could just be the uninterrupted part of the deal.

8.  They make zip up footed PJs without the engineering degree snaps. I LOVE zippers! Especially at 2 in the morning half asleep with no contacts.

7.  Cheaper luvs diapers can hold more pee at night and don't leave a damp feeling on her clothes like pampers and huggies. This was news to me....I thought you paid more for better. Apparently not. But I do really like the new stripes on diapers that turn dark green when she's wet. That is way cool.

6. I didn't know I would totally revert back to child hood. This includes reading silly books in multiple voices (We LOVE Going on a Bear Hunt), singing silly songs and having conversations with just ahhh and goo. Conversations with an 11 week old are just about the highlight of my day.

5.  One smile can make you melt. JUST MELT. I'm going to have to teach myself and her daddy that just because she has that sweet smile doesn't mean she can have anything. If she could talk right now, it would be dangerous. "Diamonds, please Daddy?" "Paris for Christmas, Mama?"  "I'd like to go to the moon, Papa." Why sure, honey. Whatever you want.

4.  Buying used clothes was so cool. I've never been a consignment, eBay, or Facebook used clothes shopper. But it means so many more outfits when you will wear something for 3-4 months. Most of Arleigh's smocked dresses (that weren't gifts or hand me downs) I bought for $15 and less. I'm a new fan!

3. I didn't know we would check milestone charts everyday and text out our updates. And that we'd be watching so closely for the next little thing.  (The poor next kid. I'm afraid they won't get such luxuries.)  I'm such a goober, because I really do know that this doesn't mean jack when it comes to walking or other development. But I like to know we're progressing.  This week she loves to stand and put all her weight on her legs. (So stubbornly so, she's started locking them straight so you have to stand her up.) She's started a giggle that is pretty darn adorable. She loves sitting in her bumpo seat or sitting straight up in your lap checking out the world from a new angle. She's able to hold her head up and turn it side to side on her own pretty good now.  She's really discovered the TV and would probably like us to let her watch it more. (She likes Seinfeld like her Daddy for some reason. Mommy doesn't.) And she's starting to love her fingers more and more, which Mommy likes because it means she can suck on her fingers instead of using Mommy, the world's best midnight to dawn fussy baby paci-putter-back-inner.

2.  How AWESOME John would be at this. (I figured I'd catch on pretty quick. I love babies and kids. I worked in a daycare. I've had babies around me forever.) Call me crazy, but I just assumed since he'd never wanted to be around babies or kids that he wouldn't be into parenting.  (I now know wanting to be around kids and having your own are two entirely different things.)  Heck, He's held Swayze once, and other than his conversations with Millie and Libby over the years, that's about the extent of his child care expertise. BOY WAS I WRONG. I'll never forget them rolling her in to the room at the hospital Friday night. (We had her Wednesday, and after much begging, they moved her from NICU to Well Baby so she could come to the room.) John just reached in and picked her up like he'd done it a thousand times. He gave me a little look like "here we go" and he just went for it. He hasn't stopped. He changes most poopies, feeds, bathes, sings...all of it. He's making me SO proud. So very, very, proud. Arleigh is very lucky to have a daddy like him.

1. And my number one thing that I didn't know before Arleigh...How you can have THIS MUCH LOVE for something so little and tiny. I knew we would love her. But I can't even explain the volume of love for her. It amazes me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Mommy Life - All I can say is WOW!

This is a long one...excuse my babbling.

It's an amazing process. You get pregnant, and (if you are lucky) Poof! You have a baby and become a mom. Just like that. There's no magic switch to create this amazing love....but let me tell you, something happens and the flood gates open. And love grows. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  I'm so amazed that I can wake up in the morning, see those smiley blue eyes and sweet chubby cheeks staring at me jabbering and just have the surreal rush of love. It's AMAZING. Absolutely God sent. In the beginning it was about survival. Feed, sleep, poop and repeat, all on zero sleep for the parents.  There wasn't much time to think about what you were doing. But now - we're almost 10 weeks -  the bubbly little personality begins to shine and the love keeps on growing. Maybe it's because of the miscarriage and the fact we wanted her SO much. I don't know where it comes from. I just know it's some kind of amazing love.

If you can't tell, we think Arleigh O is FABULOUS. She's a grinner and a talker. She loves to be the center of whatever is going on. From about 3 weeks, if you left her while she was wide awake she'd let you know that wasn't the plan she had in mind. She doesn't have to be held, but she has to know you are there...talking, listening to her babble and coo. If we're cooking or working on chores, she likes to be right there with you. (I hope she's like that until she's 30, but somehow I know it won't last.)

I'm one of those Mama's that can't really sing - but we sing ALL the time. (I'll blame that on the W....we had songs for EVERYTHING!) Old hymns, Praise and Worship, Masker and Silhouette songs, kid's songs, made up songs (thanks Uncle Richard) ....We sing. We start each day with Rise and Shine and give God the Glory....our own version.  (I hope I'm that mom who will stay goofy and will sing this when she's home from college one day.) And we carry on the silliest conversations. There is nothing sweeter than Arleigh answering my grown kid questions with her AhAhs and GoooGoos....It's my little piece of heaven. (Arleigh apparently talked Poppy in to a new boat and a chicken coop Sunday morning while Mommy and NanO were getting ready for church. She was a chatterbox talking to him!) She's finding her voice more and more. Some sounds are just crazy, like when she figured out how to make the silly hiccup sound without actually having the hiccups last Saturday morning. Our favorite game is mimicking sounds. Ah Ah Ah by Mommy then AhAhAh by Arleigh. LOVE it! :-)

Her favorite current possession would have to be her mobile in her crib. She loves that sucker. And Clarence of course. She likes to talk to both. Don't know what she's saying, but they all seem to be happy.

She's letting me read now more and more. I started in the beginning, but she wasn't that interested and would be crying by page 4. (Mommy was so into reading it may have been a bit overwhelming.) From about week 6, she started really focusing on the pages and can now stay engaged for 2 books or more - depending on how much ad-lib Mommy ads. I love the silliness and simplicity of children's books, and apparently I've been missing them for years...Because I can read at night as long as she'll let me. :-) 

We tried rice cereal mixed with formula by spoon around 7 weeks and also in a cereal feeder. She LOVED it and wanted to chow it down! She would attack the spoon with a vengeance! But it didn't make a difference on her staying to sleep longer at all, and didn't really help with reflux, but it did make her break out in a little rash. (Of course my child would be the one allergic to rice.) We decided we'd shelf the idea until closer to 4 months and try again. She's up to sleeping now from 10-3 on her own. The doctor said it had more to do with her size and weight, and if she's getting everything she needs to eat during the day. He said most babies are sleeping through the night on their own (without cereal) at 3-4 months.

Speaking of eating, she's up to around 30 ounces a day. (New mamas, you calculate the minimum they can eat by taking their weight times 2.5, and that's the ounces per day.) She's on a pretty decent schedule. She takes the bulk of her bottles (6 oz) from noon to about 10 at night, then "snack" eats 2-4 ozs randomly in between. 

I've been overwhelmed lately by the seriousness of the responsibility we have to raise our kids right. I'm still figuring out what kind of mom I want to be, what type of discipline we'll want to use, how we'll keep our kids engaged in our family - the list goes on. Heck, she's 10 weeks old.  My mom and I had the conversation this weekend about child rearing. (I have pretty amazing parents. So does John.) I've always known the train up a child verse, but it's never really meant anything to me. Until now.

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

We raise them right. We give them all the knowledge and directions they need to get to the destination. Of course we hope the road is straight and smooth. But they are going to hit pot holes, they are going to get lost. But if we give them the know-how to figure out how to get back on the right road, they will get to the destination in the end. We have to make their foundation solid so that when we let them go, which we will eventually have to do, they can find the right way on their own. That's the goal. Not for us to drive them there or be the co-pilot for life. But for us to give them the tools to get there on their own. In the end, we have to let go and let God.

 I already know I'm the mom who'd rather have dirty clothes and eat a lean cuisine for supper than miss out on my daily conversation with Arleigh during her awake time when I'm home from work.

I'm the mom that loves to listen and gather everyone's opinions to get ideas (like with the cereal) then go with what works best for us, sometimes throwing it all out the window. There's not a book or person out there that has my baby. And we will always know what's best. Even if we have to search the depths of our soul for the answer and live with the consequences of our mistakes. We're her parents. It's our job. 

I'm the mom that likes being silly and cheesy because now I have the perfect excuse. (Not that I really needed one, but I love goofy. Especially baby goofy when no one else is around.)

I'm the mom that didn't freak when breast feeding didn't work for us. I had kinda figured on a csection, and wasn't totally distraught by the fact of not having a natural delivery. I just wanted her here. But the one thing I did really want to do was breast feed. I have horrible allergies, and I knew BF was best. Plus, the bonding with your baby would have been such a wonderful experience. Both of us tried hard for 6 weeks. Really hard.  If I hadn't gone back to work I'd still be trying. But even with pumping round the clock, Arleigh trying, lactation consultants calls and visits, reading books and websites, bottles of fenugreek, friends helping...It didn't work for us. The most we ever got was 2-3 ounces a day. When you have a kid that was eating 25 ounces a day, completely frustrated with anything other than a bottle, and you are going back to work, it didn't make sense for us to continue. We calculated that I was spending 5-6 hours a day pumping and washing parts. (Outside of her feedings, because she didn't want anything to do with the breast. And with the super duper hospital grade pump, I couldn't do anything else while pumping.) Even though I know the little bit we did give her was best. (And she loved it!) I wish it would have been great for us and I'll try again next time. But I'm not going to let it define who I am as a mom. We did what was best for us and Arleigh, and that's what matters. There are plenty of other ways to bond. I know that now.

I'm the mom who learned real quick to throw out the judgement of other moms and their parenting.  I'm eating lots of my words and thoughts, just like my daddy-in-law said I would. I'm sure I'll be eating all of them before we hit 18. Everyone has different ideas, just like every kid will need the parents to understand they are different, and individuals. What works for one won't work for another. Discipline will be different. Schedules will be different. Even morals will be different from family to family. You just have to trust your instincts and roll with it...and there may be consequences. But you're doing your best, right? 

I'm the mom that knows she may be a dream baby right now, but there's going to come a time when she's not going to be this perfect. I'm soaking up the good now, but I know we're going to have bumps soon. And I just hope we as parents stay focused on the outcome of her character. But lets be real, I can hope and pray all day about how I want her to be. But she's going to be herself, and I just hope we give her enough tools to turn out top-notch in the end. 

I'm the laid back mom who doesn't freak when dog-brother Clarence decides his newborn sister needs a kiss...or kisses. As a matter of fact, Clarence has become the perfect baby sitter...you just have to let him. If she's crying, you can tell "brother" to check on "sister", and he'll go stick his nose in her face and let out some sort of gruff in their own language. Typically she will automatically chill out and just look at her goofy, big, black, fur ball brother. Some days, Clarence gets all the smiles. The vet actually told us that this was the best thing we could do for Clarence and his relationship within the family. Let him do what comes natural from the beginning and just be there to make sure he won't hurt or show aggression. And he hasn't. He's a great big brother. Clarence was in the family first, and we try hard for him to know he's still a part, even though his role (and amount of attention) has definitely changed.

I'm the mom who makes it a habit now to apologize to her when I get tired and cranky and don't act like a mom should. (Sometimes, even with my happy self, it happens from sheer exhaustion.) She doesn't have a clue now.  But one day, if it's a habit of mine, hopefully she will be able to do the same.We want her to have grace. The kind of grace that knows no one is perfect. Even parents.

I'm the mom who knows Arleigh should be in bed earlier than 10 or 11 on a better schedule because she needs 10-11 hours of sleep, but I can't do it because I want to spend every minute I'm awake with her. She's usually awake from about 4-11 pm - just for her Mama I'm sure. She can sleep at school. (For now anyway.)

 I'm the mom who prays with her every day because I want her to know it's part of our routine. Even if she still doesn't have a clue what I'm doing. One day she will. One day it will be her habit.

I'm the mom that bites my tongue if someone is doing something different with her than how I would do it. Or advice that doesn't matter. Just keep on smiling and change the subject. None of us have broken her yet.

I'm the mom that said for years I could never be a stay at home mom, but now I'm eating my words and would do anything to be afforded the luxury of taking care of Arleigh full time. (But I hope she grows to respect me for working hard in a different way.) I'm sure she will be fine; it's more upsetting for me than her. She has fantastic teachers who smother her with love during the day.  And when she's older, they will provide a great education. Of course I'll still need to supplement it all. She, just like me, will be fine. Although the more personality she gets, the harder it is to leave her every day. Makes me wanna cry! Or we could blame it on the new hormones...Who knows. Either way, it's HARD! Thank goodness for sweet teachers who text me pictures!

I'm the mom that wants to spoil her with love, my time, attention and affection, but not spoil her with things. I hope this is one we can remember to stick to as she gets older. (Current closet excluded from judgement.)  :-)

I'm the mom that doesn't panic when daddy puts Palmolive in the bathtub instead of baby wash. I'm just thankful she has a dad that wants to give her a bath. She's loved. So very loved.

Arleigh's baby dedication was Sunday. We went "home" to Mt. Zion to have her dedicated over to the Lord. :-) Full circle for me. NanO did the dedication, and Bro. Steve did the prayer. It was where I was born, brought up, saved, baptized, married, and now Arleigh's dedication. Arleigh had a cheering section. When you think about it, this was a huge day in her life. We, as parents, have made the decision that she's really not ours. She's God's, just on loan. We're responsible for making sure when she meets God, He's proud of his child. (See...SERIOUS responsibility!)  Papa and JuJu, Nano and Poppy, Uncle Josh, Aunt Brittney, Cousin Swayze, Cousins DanDan, Libby Lou and Millie Claire, Cousin Alexa, Auntie Rosie, and Tuscaloosa Aunties Beth and Claire came to see her dedication. (Total cheering section!) Arleigh is surrounded by a village of love.

When all this love comes pouring out of you for this one little baby, there's plenty to go around elsewhere, believe it or not. It's amazing what this new little love has done for our marriage. She's changed us both already. We smile more. Laugh more. Love more. Have you seen John as a daddy? He's down-right awesome. He loves his little mini-me, and she loves him. As a matter of fact, when she first did the "follow the voice" and "follow the face" it wasn't for her Mama - It was for her Daddy.  They are buds. :-) Arleigh only stays at school for about 3 hours in the morning now. John picks her up and he has Daddy duty until I get home. He's great with her. Gets up at night, changes diapers, gives baths...whatever needs doing he's right there. So protective. Super hero mode already.  I pity the guy who comes knocking on our door one day.   Maybe it's because she's 80% John, 15% Josh and about 5% me. Sometimes I can look at her and John's percentage goes down to 60%, but he's winning the genetics right now.

The best advice and the most repeated advice has been to hold them, love them, and hold them some more. Friends who have little ones to elderly adults have all stressed to us that she's going to grow so fast, that when she is on the move she may not want you to hold her. I'm definitely soaking up the sweet baby while I can.  We're making it a point to chill out and enjoy her.

Thank you notes and baby announcements, I promise I have you printed and on the to-do list! House cleaning and cooking, you can wait, too! I've still not reopened Daisymaes. I'm just not ready yet. Arleigh's the one that gets to be center of our universe right now.  It's hard enough going back to my 40 hour a week job - that wasn't a choice. But Daisymaes I can choose. Right now it's not as important...  I've been creative for others for so long, now it's time to use that little gift for Arleigh.   I've been very blessed and fortunate to have a creative outlet and make a little extra. But we're readjusting our needs as a family now, and choosing a second job to take another 8-15 hours a week away just isn't an option. Not while SHE needs me to be a mama.

Gosh she's cute. :-)

But Of COURSE it's hard! We have a 10 week old and our batteries are running out of juice most days! We try to stick to a schedule, but she has a mind of her own sometimes.  I just cut us all some slack, give a little grace and keep on trucking. We are new to this after all. She doesn't seem to mind or even know if we mess up, she just knows we're always there. She knows she's content and loved. She's one of those easy babies. (Even though we're not sleeping, and our new routine/schedule was shot after our weekend in Columbus.) She's still a very good, calm baby.

Man I love my little ray of sunshine and my little family.  When I say we are truly blessed, we REALLY are blessed. Life is good. So sweet and so good.

Now if I can just remember all this when she hits the terrible twos through teenage years, we'll be in business. That's why it takes a village, right? So the village can pick up when we mess up....or we're wore slap out! :-)

Baby Shower Happies

Tonight's project...party favors. For my life long bff Kimberly, I took little pewter crosses and made very similar cards for her baby shower. It was oooo so sweet.

But, not knowing how many Sansing and Junkin peeps we may have at the party, we ordered crosses from Oriental. I took brads (that are very cute birds) and pined them in the center of the cross. I had cards printed at vistaprint (well, duh) and voila! Cute, sentimental, memorable, keepsake happies.

 

 

Praying for Closure

Tomorrow is the day. No cancellations. No try this. Just do it all ready.

We go in to Northport DCH at 5:30 for the D&C. My mama is meeting us there so John can head into work. It's all outpatient, but they do put you under completely. We should be home by 10 or so...and I'll be sleeping off the anesthesia all afternoon. :-)

So - more prayers! We are so ready for closure. Today would start week 11.

A Kinda-Sorta Update Part 2

Whew. My doctor R is back! And I feel special. :-) His nurse called, and he (my doc) spent 10 minutes talking to John, then called back to talk to me. (Seems kinda funny for the hubs to be talking with my doc about my girl stuff, but that makes him quite the good husband.) We're going for a "check everything out" appointment Thursday, and then we'll have the d&c Monday.

Fingers crossed there are no cancellations this time. Fingers crossed I get caught up at work so I'm not so stressed out with so much to do. We're 12 days out from the dealer market in Chicago, and I have a ton to do! (FYI, my daytime job is in marketing for a sales firm in the hardware business. We rep about 30 lines, and our office handles 2 hardware shows a year. Fall Market this year is in Chicago, and I'll be gone with 99% men for 8 days.)

So, prayers all goes as planned. :-)

A Kinda-Sorta Update

WHAT a week.

We went back to the doctor on Thursday. Ultrasound confirmed our fears. Impending miscarriage.  We're ok. I knew in my heart because of some God-given peace before the ultrasound on Thursday, but I needed the confirmation for a "clear conscience" moving into the next step. This "next step" for what to do now that we know it's not a viable pregnancy has been worse than initially finding out. Harder emotionally for sure. It makes it real, and dragging it out has been tough on us all. 

Our Dr. R was out on vacation, so we saw Dr. M. We scheduled a D&C for Friday with the surgery doctor on call, Dr. B. We left the office Thursday with instructions for the D&C Friday morning.

Around 7 PM, Dr. M called to tell us Dr. B does not want to do the D&C and thinks an alternate route is better. After talking to Dr. M, we decided to take misoprostol to induce the miscarriage. We take 600 mg Thursday night and wait. It's suppose to kick in within 4 hours, but for sure within 12. (We decided to both be off from work, since I might need the 3 full days....) It was suppose to be pretty rough. Lots of cramping and other "stuff" that is not so pleasant. I've barely had any twinges, much less full blown pain like I was told to anticipate.

By Friday afternoon, nothing happens. I called the office, and we have our 4th doctor, Dr. E. She has a nurse call us back. We're told to ride it out through the weekend.

Saturday afternoon. Still nothing. FIFTH doctor, Dr. S. calls us back. Said the likely hood of this working now is very slim, and we need to reschedule our D&C Monday with our regular doctor, Dr. R.  Dr. S questions Dr. B's reasons for not having the D&C on Friday, as planned. We could take the meds again if it's what we want, but it's probably not going to do anything since it didn't phase me the first round.

Yep, looks like I'm the 1% where the drug doesn't work. Figures.(I'm sure it has something to do with all the c-sections in my family. Between my mama, aunt and first cousin, I come from a line of no contractions and no dilating...absolutely nothing.)

I've tried so hard to make me a big gallon of lemonade from all these lemons, but I'm about ready to start throwing lemons at people like hand grenades. I'd be lying if I didn't say this royally stinks! The waiting is torturous. Going through 5 doctors in a week (4 in 3 days) with different ways of handling things and differences of opinions has been rough too. We had mentally prepared ourselves for Friday, but not for another 6 days.  On a normal time period I could be more patient. I could wait for my body to do it's own thing. Or to at least start it's own thing. BUT, I leave for Chicago for a hardware show 2 weeks from Sunday. The goal was to have this over with this weekend so I could fully recover by Chicago. I'll be gone for 8 days with a bunch of men, and I don't want to take my chances something happening up there with out my mama and John. I have SO much going on right now at work. I need to be on full throttle at work and with Daisymaes catching up. It's bad timing, it really is. But it's God's timing, so I'm sure HE has His reasons.

So, what have I done this weekend? I was told to take it easy....Besides, my brain honestly can't handle much more right now.

First, I had a Shirley Temple film fest. I LOVE her. She's so wholesome! I watched The Little Princess and Heidi. Two of my all-time favorites!

Then John (with a little help) made chicken noodle soup. Just what we needed. Completely comforting and made with love. :-)

Today Mama came over for entertainment. We went to lunch at Cracker Barrel and went by Treasure Hunt. (We thought walking around might do me some good. Not to mention the necessity of SOUL comfort food.)

Tomorrow afternoon we're tackling orders. Thank goodness we cleaned house last weekend, because I SURE don't feel like it now.

So, basically, we're still waiting. Waiting, praying and wishing for this chapter to be over so we can move on to the next chapter. Still praying for peace and patience.

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Thank you so much to all the sweet emails and messages. They really have meant a lot! I'll keep you posted!

Kinda Sorta Pregnant

This one is gonna be a little tough and personal to write. Being a grown up can stink. We're kinda sorta pregnant. I know, it's still confusing and complicated to me, too. Just like no pregnancy is ever alike, there is no wrong or right way of dealing with this, but, I'm laying it all out because it helps me. That's how I deal. I share because my prayer is someone else uses this for peace later.

Back several weeks ago, John and I had a positive pop up on a pregnancy test. I had SERIOUS denial. Serious. The positive was the FIRST EVER. It didn't take much googling to realize that a faint line on a First Response does mean positive. (And about 20 HPTs that week watching the lines get darker before I finally convinced myself that this was for real...not to mention the big fat pregnant that popped up on the digital test.)  Since this was my first time to be pregnant, (and I just had to know if I needed to cancel Egypt trip before we bought airfare), I went to the doctor for conformation. After clarifying that my HCG levels were in fact doubling, and the first of the symptoms set in, I started telling myself that I was pregnant.  From the get-go I was extremely reserved about spreading the news - I've had friends and family go through heart-wrenching miscarriages, and I didn't want to tell the world until I heard the heartbeat. I knew this was an extremely delicate time. The heartbeat would be my moment to get excited. Really, really excited. Thank goodness John and God didn't let me blab. A few of our VIPs knew our news, but not many folks.

 For a while I've watched the line get darker and darker on different brands of tests. I just didn't believe it I guess. Then I sporadically would check just to make sure it was still dark. Silly I know. We've  (well I've) probably spent our vacation allowance in HPTs. I went to the mandatory first mothers class at my doctors office - one they require before your first appointment. OHHHH the symptoms!  Pregnancy glow - HA! More like the face of a hormonal broken out 15 year old....No amount of proactive has this mess under control.   I've had a very sore chest (insanely sore), nauseousness, aches, tiredness and a smorgasbord of other funky and strange symptoms. Surely this is good, right?  I've taken my prenatals, allowed myself more rest, drank diet ginger ale and low sugar apple juice, stayed away from as much stress as possible, ate watermelon and cantaloupe by the truckload, and stayed away from my diet coke caffeine addiction.


At 8 weeks (last Thursday), John and I went to the doctor for our first ultrasound and prenatal appointment. For weeks I've told myself that I can not get excited or spread the news until we hear a heartbeat. For weeks I've googled photos of 8 week ultrasounds so I would know exactly what I was looking at on screen. For weeks I've been waiting, trying so hard to be patient until I heard the heartbeat and saw our little jellybean. For weeks I've been planning how I would tell the world we were going to have a baby.  We sat in the reception area watching all the pregnant bellies trying to guess their due dates, and laughing at the sweet little new mommy making seriously adorable faces at her newborn.

We were finally called back to the ultrasound room. The technician didn't say much. She asked how far along we thought we were, and explained that we were looking at the gestational sac. I didn't say much either. I knew that I was looking at the sac where there should be a baby (that looks more like an alien than a baby) and a heart beat. She let us know that they will probably want to do a repeat ultrasound in a week or so to make sure a baby develops. I know in my heart that this is not good. I keep up with my dates...LMPs and CD, so I know without a doubt how far along we should be at this point. I've been obsessed with my first baby research. Since I couldn't tell the world and just sit and google baby bedding for hours yet, I looked up anything and everything to do with the first trimester.  I had done my homework. We should have a baby and a heartbeat.

We waited for an hour and a half to see our doctor. GUT wrenching time. All I wanted was reassurance. All I needed was confirmation. John and I didn't say much to each other during the wait. Having google at my finger tips didn't help either. Poohey on the Iphone.

Our doctor starts with the speech about how half of all miscarriages end within the first trimester...most before the heartbeat is heard or seen. They see patients daily. Some of his colleagues think it's as many as 75%. After the first trimester it drops to 5%.  At first, he tells us he doesn't want to give us false hope, but he doesn't want to take all hope away completely. We needed to come back for a second ultrasound.  (Ok, so far, so good. I knew this. I can handle this.)

Then we talked about dates. I pulled out my handy Iphone ap where I track all things that you don't need to know about. We know the conception date. We weren't trying to get pregnant, and I know the date when this likely happened. (Probably TMI.)  By this point, our sweet doctor's face looked more like a scowl. He said our gestational sac measured up to 8 weeks in size, but if my dates are concrete, we should have a baby. He said we have a blighted ovum, which is an extremely common type of  miscarriage. He told us it that it is okay and expected to take the time we need to to grieve.  Deep sigh. Blah, blah, blah.

After we discussed our options, I opted for (as my doctor calls it) a "clear conscience" ultrasound before we do a D&C.  I had been so strong and calm up to this point. A real trooper. This made it real. Bring on the Junkin alligator tears.

I decided to stay home from work last Friday to let it all sink in a little. We weren't trying to get pregnant. We are planners, and pregnancy was another year or so off. Friday was the hard day. Even in 8 weeks - 6 weeks of knowing, it's hard not to let yourself get excited. Even when I was so extremely careful to guard my heart.  Which means there is disappointment. More than I thought there would be for both of us. It's hard to feel and be pregnant, yet know that it's likely not a viable pregnancy. That part really stinks.

It took me a little while to be able to mention it with out crying...completely normal. I could blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but I'm genetically wired to be emotional anyway.

During the past few days I have received so many reassuring emails and text from people who have heard our news through the grapevine. It is truly amazing how many women had suffered the loss of miscarriage. And, I am so thankful that they decided to share their stories with me to make me feel a little more normal.

Good news is, our doctor let us know it typically doesn't have anything to do with a woman's fertility or ability to conceive again. (At least in most cases.)  80-90% of women go on to conceive normally after miscarriage. Our doctor's reassured us by saying he would see us again in a year or so with a full term pregnancy, and not to get discouraged. This was common, and all part of becoming parents.  All though it's not the wonderful, glorious, fun part.  All our parts were, ehem, in working order so to speak. Blood tests were all normal.  We've never had any problems before this. We didn't need to worry unless we had multiple back to back miscarriages, and that is rare. He said it did more harm than good to worry.  He said we were only thirty, and he had his first at 40. (He also - in a very fatherly way - told us not to wait that long or until we are really ready,  because having your own kid is like nothing else! Sounds so much like my own daddy!)

I'm at peace. I'm content. Disappointed and hurt? Of course! I know God's in the baby making business, not me. No matter how God blesses us, I know I am going to be a mama if HE chooses. I'm already content with the fact that being a Mama doesn't have anything to do with a baby coming from you genetically.  (I'm already a mama to Clarence, although I really think he's content being an only child.)  Even if we don't give birth to 2 kids, it's going to be ok. It really is. I do know now that when we do decide to start a family, bringing a baby home is going to be even more special. Even as reassuring as our doctor has been with us, you can't help but wonder what is in store.  Being pregnant, even for this short time is such a miracle, such an awesome way to think about life and creation. It's so God. It's all God.

Whatever HE has in store for my life is already written...why should I worry or obsess about what is to come? It's not going to do a bit of good. I'm just Penny. What am I suppose to do about it? Um, nothing. There's nothing we can do except stay the course. God has His reasons. And I'm sure some sort of blessing will overflow from this bump in the road. I've already had a few blessings. I got 3 full days of being pampered by my sweet husband! Not to mention 8 weeks of  exceptionally rotten TLC. I guess this means I have to go back to carrying in the groceries and tackling the garage. No more excuses. (Good news is I can get back on my allergy meds and go back to being able to breathe.)

‎"I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope." 

Jeremiah 29:1

Why is it a taboo topic if it affects so many women? It's not exactly something we bring up during our 6 week hair cuts as beauty shop gossip. I get that it is super delicate and personal. This isn't easy for me to write. (Part of me just wants to get it out here so I don't have repeat myself, and we can avoid the dreaded "So why don't you have a baby yet?" question.)  We only tell the news to our inner-most circle.  It seems like it would be so much easier to go through if you knew what to expect going into your first ultrasound. Mainly the tid-bit that you have a 50-50 shot of everything being ok. That is so huge!  Even if statistically it's on the low end - 1/3 of all confirmed pregnancies, that's still a big number. Fortunately - or unfortunately rather, I had a best friend go through a blighted ovum miscarriage 10 weeks before now. And several friends go through it earlier. I was prepared. More prepared than most. I attempted to guard my heart.  What about the women who go through this with no knowledge? I think that is why I decided to put it all out here. Maybe it will help take a little sting out (doubt it) of someone else going through this by knowing it is all part of it.  If it's so common, then I am truly not alone with this bump in the road. Maybe this will help someone else feel a little more normal.

Don't get me wrong. Part of me wishes this had been just our own little secret so no one would know. That we could have shared this moment with just ourselves.  I saw a friend post something that said -

"no two people are exactly the same, people respond to hard times differently...it's who you look to for guidance that counts."

OH so true! Thank goodness I'm surrounded by people who all know where to turn for guidance. And it sure as heck isn't me. More like the MAN with a PLAN upstairs.

So, what does that make us? Kinda sorta pregnant?  Now we're in the waiting mode.  Waiting for Thursday. Ready to know for sure and move on.  I'm not hanging on to the 5% chance that everything will be ok. I can't do it. I'm not wired that way. Even though I'm a "glass is half full" kind of person. God know what He's doing. I'm holding on to that. Bring it on.

But, we do need prayers please. Prayers for continued peace. I know I have an arsenal of friends and family that already pray for us regularly. Believe me, I feel it. But a little more can't hurt. :-)

Prayer request

The Mansell's have news. Big news. But right now it's not 110%, so I'm not going to put it out here for the world to see.

I will say I need prayers, because there are concerns, and I'm not 110% confident myself everything is ok. But when I know something concrete, I promise I'll share.

But that's all I'm saying. :-)

Agape Dinner

For the past few years, Taylorville UMC has hosted an Agape meal the week of Easter. Although the Agape meal originated with the Jewish faith, Christians have embraced this tradition as a way to gather in Christ and reflect of his time on the cross.

Our Agape meal was - as it should be - extremely simple. We had grape juice, cheeses, simple baked chicken with no seasoning, grapes, olives, apples, bread and nuts. We ate by candlelight, family style.

It was quite awesome and reflective to think back on the days when Jesus dined with his disciples before his death and resurrection. Such a great opportunity to remember why we celebrate HIM and the undying love this time of year!

Just please be quiet!

I've started a journey trying to find a church (as a family with John) and trying to do better listening and praying to God. I grew up with a strong faith foundation, but I've wandered a little aimlessly in the past several years, not really focused on what God has in store for me, but more of what I could do for myself.

Finding a new church home is one of the most difficult things I have done in my life. If you're not from the south, you may not understand the entire church family thing. I have Had the same church "home" my entire life. I've visited multiple churches in Tuscaloosa, but nothing could compare to my home family church. Southern churches are social and family networks. Everyone attends the same church for generations, you sit on the same pew with all of your family on Sunday and you leave for Sunday lunch as a family afterwards. Trying to find that new church family has been one overwhelming task! Now it's time to find a new church family.

I've made other decisions lately, also. One of the biggest was to slack off with Daisymaes. Having two full time jobs has been rewarding, but not what I need to be doing with my life right now. I've decided to focus on my family and real job (which I do love) and slack off with Daisymaes. We'll be focusing more on just the website, and less on traveling doing shows and markets this year.

Do you ever feel like God just knows what you need to hear?

These past few weeks we've started baby steps. I've been doing a lot of reading, praying and talking with friends about my faith and the difficulties we have in our walk with Him. I've started searching seriously for a church home, listening to more Christian music and radio, I've started a prayer journal, I've started daily devotionals. These are baby steps, but they are steps.

He's been "stepping on my toes" a lot these past few weeks, really tugging at my heart. It's been quite a struggle for me to learn just to be quiet, open up the Bible, open up my heart and listen. It's been so long since I've been in that quiet place, and it's definitely taking some adjustments for me to start building back the relationship with Him.

This morning's devo was on Joy in the Doing. It was about how many of us, as Christians, don't want to know the will of God. We don't want to stop and listen. Much less take joy in whatever it is He calls us to do. Maybe it touched me so because I typically know the difference between right and wrong, yet the wrong can be so much more fun and exciting! There have been so many moments where I've ignored my conscious and ignored God. We all do it. We all think we know what is best for us in our own lives.

Maybe it touched me because I'm on this massive search for joy in my life. True JOY!

I had a really good friend tell me this past weekend to basically give it up. Until I find God's joy, I wasn't going to be happy. (I LOVE my friends.)

I'm learning the real joy in our life comes from DOING God's will, not just KNOWING God's will. Now comes the exciting part, can I be quiet enough to listen?