Ectopic follow up

For the fun of it, I've kept up with my blood draws. I've had 15 different draws, with 3-4 sticks each time because my veins run for cover and hide. They always have to call in someone else to stick me. The crook of my arm is a rarity. Usually it's the top of the hand or back of my wrist. This has been fun, y'all!  My arms are black and blue from all the blowouts. 

Today would make pregnancy week 11, and it's still not over. HCG is dropping, but very, very, very slow. I had another draw this morning and head back to the doctor this afternoon to see where we stand. Still the same speeches that it could still rupture and how carefully it has to be monitored.

Good times!

 

I know this sounds all whiny, and maybe it is just a little. It has becomes more of an inconvenience and constant reminder of how little control I have over things. A girl needs to vent occasionally. 

But truthfully, I am very thankful that this is all we are dealing with. It could be so much worse. We have so much to be thankful for on so many different levels. 

We're working on getting our house ready to sell which has been a nice distraction. I like having projects and to do lists. :-)

Ectopic - Here we Go

I went to the OB appointment and had to see a different doctor, which turned into a huge blessing. My appointment was at 4, and I went back around 4:30. I heard them discussing that I needed another ultrasound, and a few minutes later the tech came to get me. She didn't say a word to me when I asked, but I knew it when I saw it on the big screen.  (This is my 5th pregnancy after all!)

 I sat back in a little waiting room for about 3 minutes, see the ultrasound tech talking to the doctor and nurse,  then immediately I see a doctor. When they find out it's ectopic, they move pretty quick, thankfully. He doesn't know how much I know since it's my first meeting with him, but starts explaining the dangers and prognosis. (Scary stuff!) 

Then come the Junkin tears. The tears weren't really from the loss, because I already had a good sense of peace from that. They were from the sheer relief that I wasn't going crazy and I knew my body. I'm not imagining this pain. (I also had a not so Christian like flash back of wanting to slap the insensitive ER doctor from last week who told me to relax and have a glass of wine, especially when my OB was telling me I've probably been in serious pain.) We've been dealing with this since November 28, with a LMP October 28. Should be 9 weeks pregnant. (But the HCG was wayyyy off from that, and I've studied enough about all this to have a good peace about what's going on.) With early pregnancy losses and blood and repeat ultrasound monitoring the days and weeks get excruciatingly long, because there are no answers until the voila moment when they have certainty.  I'm exhausted mentally from having to be my own advocate and researching all this, and forcing people to listen to what my body was telling me. (That whole I'm really not crazy moment. And yes, I said them outloud several times that day.) Of course I trust doctors, but they are so overworked and busy I believe it's my own responsibility to be prepared with questions and know what to ask. You can't do that by just showing up unprepared anymore. Especially when you are switching practices.

While I'm still in with the doctor, a nurse comes in to tell me the next process. I go to big DCH registration and check in as an outpatient. Then they take me to the Peds ward where they will do bloodwork and give me a chemo methotrexate infusion to start dissolving the ectopic pregnancy and the false pregnancy in my uterus.  I did not realize it was a several hour process, and my phone was almost dead, so I didn't call anyone to come to the hospital with me. AO was so much better in her routine with John, and truthfully, sometimes time by yourself is what you really need. 

The Peds nurses were also wonderful. It took several hours before the cancer center nurses came in decked in hazmat gear for my double shots. Quite an experience. And one I hope we don't have to repeat any time soon. 

First, I am extremely thankful that we have not had a rupture, and I'm still hopeful that it will not rupture. 

Second, I'm thankful that God uses every minute as a teaching tool. A lot of that comes from having a teacher as a Mama. Everything is always educational.  They gave me a chemo drug, and I am so very thankful this is my only time to ever see anything like that in action. It made me think repeatedly about our family and friends who fight big and very real cancer battles.  I was on the Peds floor, a place that we've never had to take Arleigh. Hearing those kids cry, I'm very thankful for a happy baby.  I had a tech who couldn't find my veins. Several sticks later, we were having a heart to heart about miscarriages and her late term loss of her son. I get to go home to my precious daughter.  Life and situations are most definitely what you make of it.

Part of me puts all this out as a record for myself.  

The other part just wants to shout from the roof tops that all types of miscarriages and losses are common. 

Our Pregnancies: 

BFP #1 - EDD March 4, 2011. MC. DNC August 2010.
BFP #2 - EDD March 4, 2012. Arleigh Olivia was born February 15, 2012.
BFP #3 - EDD January 17, 2014. MC at 7 Weeks.
BFP #4 - EDD December 27, 2014. MC at 6 Weeks

BFP #5 EDD August 4, 2015. Ectopic pregnancy discovered/registered on ultrasound at 9 weeks from LMP. 

We need to quit hiding ourselves in corners when we face losses. We lost part of ourself. It's ok to put it out there. It's ok to tell people you don't want to talk babies. You need new friends if they don't understand. It's ok not to want to hold newborns. It's ok to cry the first time you do hold a newborn.  It's ok to avoid the baby aisle and departments like the plague. It's ok to refuse to read the big sister/little sister book from the mail. It's ok to be at peace about it. It's ok to feel like crap. It's ok to pray and be happy for all the babies in heaven - or talk about your babies in heaven. Or want to avoid the topic.  It's ok if you need to stay in your pjs for a week. It's ok if you are like me and need to go back to work and your routine immediately. It's ok to talk. It's ok not to talk. 

What's not ok is thinking it's ok to face it alone. It's not ok to think that no one cares.  We live in an age where we stub our big toe and the world knows about it. Everyone always over shares!  Why not losses? 

My question----Why do we hide from the things that matter? 

Kinda-sorta Pregnant, Take 5

At some point, I would love to share the news of how our family keeps expanding. But it's not happening. This has happened so many times now, we have let Satan steal all our joy when we see those double lines or pregnant spelled out on a digital. Or a better way of thinking, God has us so guarded and protected that we are waiting on our joy. 

 On November 28, we got our positive. One week later, December 5, we started bleeding like a regular period. I assumed another early misscarriage, so I didn't give it much more thought. God has my heart protected something fierce. 

 I retested on December 15th, thinking it should be null or getting close. It was brighter than before. Then a quick test using the clear blue weeks indicator, and I knew something was off.  My hcg was rising, not getting lower. I'm a constant charter - you have to be with this type stuff - so in my heart I immediately know it's not viable and something is majorly wrong.  

Typically with an early misscarriage, I don't always run and get 900 HCG draws done. They don't really take it seriously until you've had three in a row, and once your HCG is dropping there isn't anything they can do. I just test from home with sensitive tests and make sure it drops. I've unfortunately become an old pro. 

 So here we go - with pregnancy number FIVE, finally third in a row. In the middle of all this, I realize I have to change OBGYN offices. I'm now double covered with insurance - John's and with my work. However, our insurance plan with work changed, so I have to switch practices. (The joys of medical insurance.) 

I make my appointment, have two blood draws 48 hours apart, have an ultrasound. My HCG is rising, but it's certainly not where it should be. (I knew this already....please don't preach fake hope to the serial baby maker.) They think it's possibly ectopic, but there's no way to see yet.  Everyone keeps mentioning the ectopic word.  (Insert my mad google skills, and bingo. Ectopic - loosing your ovaries, internally bleeding - it's scary stuff.) The HCG is going up, so the doctor doesn't want to do anything until we know for certain it isn't viable. (Although in my heart I know that answer and have had my peace for a while, the doctors need their peace.) We'll keep drawing blood to check the hcg, and follow up after Christmas. 

Christmas Eve rolls around, and we are at my in-laws. We were suppose to be at John's grandparents, but with PawPaw and Uncle K in the hospital, it was canceled. I had just fixed AO's plate and started fixing my own, when I had the awful sharp stabbing pain in my lower left ovary area. This is coming from the very pain tollerant girl who was up with no pain meds after DNCs and a csection and fine.  I immediately start stripping (my poor inlaws) and crying. This hurt. Something was wrong. After trying to catch my breath I thought maybe it could be an ectopic rupture. Every doctor, nurse, and ultrasound tech had kept preaching to come in the minute I thought something was off or hurting. That's exactly what google said, too. I'm sure a lot was sheer panic  because I didn't want to loose an ovary. 

So John and I made the decision to leave AO at Judy's and head to the ER. (Thank goodness I had a set of pjs in the car from Polar Express! She at least slept in her monogrammed Christmas gown on Christmas Eve.) 

We haven't been in an ER in about 15 years. (Yes, we are counting our blessings.) Apparently at the ER ectopic is a fast way to be seen quickly. The check in, triage and see a doctor for the first time took about 30 minutes. (I should probably mention that I had no shoes, socks, pants..... The one night I get gussied up with a dress, leggings and boots! Some sweet nurse found me a pair of socks for my stay.)  No bleeding, and a long ultrasound didn't really show anything either. The tech even said that the OBGYN office would be better for this.  Christmas Day, 6 hours and morphine later, the verdict was to just follow up with your OB on Monday. (And per the not so sensitive ER doc, just have a glass of wine and relax a little. I'm hopeful I never have to see her again, because my sweet self may just slap her.) 

Needless to say, Christmas Eve and Day were not how I had it in my brain.  My baby girl wasn't at home to wake up to presents from Santa - on what should be her first excited year. There was no annual looking at Christmas lights or for Rudolph's nose flying in the sky on Christmas Eve.  This mama felt so crappy I didn't get a single picture. AO was so out of wack and grumpy she didn't even want birthday cake for Jesus. 

 

We've racked and racked our brain trying to figure out what is going on. Is this pain even related to the pregnancy? The ultrasound showed a cyst on Monday. Why wasn't it there Wednesday at the ER? Did the cyst rupture? Wouldn't something have shown on the ultrasound?  Why the period like bleeding with clots and cramping - just like my previous miscarriages so early? Is it ectopic? Where is it in me?  Was it two different pregnancies? Why is the HCG rising? And sometimes even rising correctly? And the list goes on and on.

So we're back to the waiting game. Another doctor appointment, hcg/progesterone test, and ultrasound today. :(  At this point, I'm convinced it's ectopic and I'm not crazy. But I need someone to figure this out before we have a rupture and a massive problem on our hands. I know - and have known that something wasn't right from the get go. Especially on that lower left side. 

The good news - same as every other time. We can get pregnant. We also know that our progesterone is too low, so once we move on from this, we will hopefully find some answers to why it keeps happening. Prayers are appreciated. 

In other news, we are getting ready to list our house in January and make the move to Gordo this spring. Our Christmas vacation "prep the house to sell" to-do list didn't get finished due to all this, but sometimes I think God makes you slow down and have all day PJ days with your kiddo.  At least He makes me! 

Beginning a New Chapter

This new chapter in our lives has been a lonnnngggg time in the making. John starts full time with the post office on May 3! We're in our 11th year waiting, so our house is jumping for joy!

This means we finally get the benefits that come with his job at the post office, which are pretty darn fabulous, like most government jobs. Exciting stuff! Not to mention the pay raise. Hallelujah!

On a not so exciting note, we had another miscarriage this month. I'm beyond the point where we can beat around the bush about things like this. I'm fine, we're fine - It's just part of the journey.  This was another very early miscarriage, and unfortunately or fortunately these become easier and easier to deal with emotionally. I'm more sad that we didn't even really get excited. There are no celebrations when we get positive pregnancy tests anymore. That part kinda stinks, but I also know that it is God's way of guarding my heart.  I would like your prayers, though. This one has been harder on my body. Very draining and achy physically. I haven't even told anyone but John. I just don't like or want to talk about it. (It's WAY more fun to talk about the cute antics of my TWO year old.)  There's no good way to start this conversation. The benefit of living in this generation is taking early pregnancy tests. The downfall is taking early pregnancy tests. Twenty years ago I would have assumed it was just a two-week late period. Like I said, we're fine. Honestly.  Just needed to get that off my chest.

So if you are keeping track, here's what's happened so far:

BFP #1 - EDD March 4, 2011. MC. DNC August 2010.
BFP #2 - EDD March 4, 2012. Arleigh Olivia was born February 15, 2012.
BFP #3 - EDD January 17, 2014. MC at 7 Weeks.
BFP #4 - EDD December 27, 2014. MC at 6 Weeks.

Back to the fun stuff. I am excited about seeing what is next for our family. We've got our three year plan in motion to save, sell the house and make a decision about private or public school for AO. To my surprise, GORDO public high school has higher 11th grade test scores than any of the public city or county schools in Tuscaloosa. (Yes, I'm the nerd who makes spreadsheets from the data on greatschools.org.)  So the big debate of the moment in the Mansell house - do we relocate to Gordo or stay in Tuscaloosa and do private school?

The other option is moving to Gordo is doing PA, where my first two "nieces" Libby and Millie attend.  Lots of decision making and porch night conversations! Gordo is only a 25 minute drive from my office in Northport, which is quicker than the 40 minutes it takes me to get home in Hillcrest. The traffic on 69 south is HORRID! It would be a longer jaunt for Johnboy (40 minutes compared to his current 7), so we're still weighing all the pros and cons.   John would like AO to start and stay at the same school. I'm fine making changes up to about second grade. I'm a little concerned about the future in Gordo, but currently they seem to be doing a fantastic job. OF COURSE I will keep a check on these until we make a decision, but it's exciting to think that we are almost there!

I really have an old fixer-upper in my head, which is pretty much the only options if we head west. Or we can build, but the fixer-upper charm has my pinterest boards on FIRE.  The fact that we would be 45 minutes closer to my family, right near with John's, and about 15 minutes from my Aunt and Danielle, are HUGE factors in my mind. There is something about small town charm that is appealing.  And room for chickens. Who doesn't love chickens!!!!

It's a big time at the Mansells! Now I'm going back to pinning! :-)

Spring Break

We had a ball spring break. As a working Mama, I couldn't take the whole week off, but we made the most of it. I've joked all day that I went back to work for a BREAK!

AO has been in school since she was teee-tiny. I bawled my eyes out when I left her at school the first time. By the end of the first school year, I was CRYING because I didn't want her to leave her teachers. Her teachers were just that great. She's a social, happy kid. She loves, loves, loves school.

Now that she's two, Mama's new job is chief entertaining committee.  I cram every available Mommy & family time into the bits and pieces we get together. Last week for spring break was Camp Arleigh.

Just so you can get a feel for our life - here's what went down.

Sunday - Cooked breakfast (FROM SCRATCH), John and I kept AO's class at church. Came home, fed John's parents pot roast, dill potatoes, deviled eggs, fresh asparagus, carrots, and my new favorite, mashed cauliflower. Homemade strawberry muffins with coconut whipped cream for dessert.  AO played outside, got muddy, took a bath, then we fed my parents the leftovers for supper. AO left with my parents to head to Columbus for a couple of nights.

Monday was a blur - we didn't have AO, so I folded clothes for three hours without a toddler, and John did the three loads of dishes that came with Sunday's homemade cooking and feeding a small army. We did grill out and have a mini date night with no kiddo. AO had Libby, Millie and Alexa for entertainment at O's.

Tuesday - after work, I headed straight to Columbus. No romantic anniversary plans for the Mansell clan.  I Spent the night with Nano and Poppy to start my spring break.

Wednesday - we picked up breakfast for us, Swayze and Nano and headed to Swayze's for a cousin playdate with Nano and Poppy. Watched Frozen for the first time. Left around lunch time and drove back to Gordo. Picked up AO lunch and she ate at JuJu's and Papa's house. AO helped (entertained) JuJu in her store. Then we went to visit John's grandparents, MawMaw and PawPaw that afternoon. Grocery shopping, then home to crash.

Thursday - we got up early and did the Zoo in Birmingham with NanO and Lib and MC. It's a fantastic zoo. However, I will never make the mistake of a spring break trip again. It was insanely crowded, and I don't think the zoo was prepared for all of the people. We had to wait in massive lines for everything. Even the windows and exhibits were backed up  3-4 people deep. But, AO loved it. She rode the camel with Nano, rode the train and carousel, and got to see the giraffes. She fed birds nectar and got up super close to a tiger. It was a great trip. We had the "big sisters" Libby and Millie as our guides and nannies.  We made a quick stop to California Pizza Kitchen at the Summit for a snack, then went on home. Thursday evening, Lib and MC entertained AO while John grilled us burgers. AO crashed, and we stayed up late watching Frozen. :-) (Catching the pattern?)

Friday morning - after cinnamon rolls, eggs and two packs of smithfield bacon, we watched Frozen again. Who am I kidding? It was on repeat ALL morning!  Then we loaded up at 9:30 and took Clarence to the vet in the pouring rain. After Clarence's check up, we came home and got ready to go to town. We went to Target and the girls helped me gather up AO's Easter basket treats. We ate lunch at Taco Casa, blared our new Frozen soundtrack, and went and ate yogurt at Yogurt in Love. Did a little monogramming, and my Libs and MC headed back to their Mama.

Saturday - I attempted to clean up. My sweet husband spent Thursday, his off day cleaning house, and me and my girls made one BIG mess of his hard work. After lunch, AO and I piled up with Aunt BB to run errands. Michaels, the pet store and Target again. Fun stuff! Can you tell we like shopping? Then we dropped BB (Aunt Beth, our neighbor) at home and out we went again to go grocery shopping. We grilled out Saturday night while AO played in the water and made mud pies. (Yes, I know it was WAY too cold, but I had no luck convincing my toddler of my case.) That night, I killed my first snake at our Moonlight Drive house.
  

Sunday - we skipped church and got lunch ready for the Sunday lunch with the inlaws. Bacon wrapped grilled pork chops, big salad, baked purple potatoes, asparagus, wheat rolls and fruit salad. Sunday afternoon the boys put together AO's swingset from Santa, and AO & I went shopping with JuJu.  We picked up a few things at Walmart and Dollar Tree, then came home. AO played outside ALL AFTERNOON. Making mud soup and sliding. She had two baths before 5 PM. She had visits from BB, and Brooke & Drew. Then another bath time, a lunchable for supper and straight to bed.

I'm tired just thinking about it all. Somewhere in the middle of all that, we had a sing off complete with microphones, made playdoh princess dresses, had an impromptu baseball game and painted our toe nails.

The reason I list it all is this: I work. But I also work really hard at creating memories for me and my family. We aren't at a point in our life where I could stay home. And truthfully - I wouldn't want to stay home.  But don't knock me for saying it out loud.  When I'm with AO, I'm really WITH her. I may not text you back. I may not answer you call.  It's all the time I get, so we pack it in!  I know we both have our limits. She loves school and her friends. Why in the world would I want to take that away from her? Even if I stayed at home, I would send her to school. Because she needs it. It fits her personality. She's happy and extremely well adjusted.  Of course I have my moments where I want more time.  I have a small slice of me that could stay home and do this around the clock.  Or maybe its' just that I want to have a day where I can stay in my PJs. But that's not us. Not now anyway. She's an on-the-go busybody who never slows down.   My point - love all Mamas. It's a hard call to figure out the juggling life that is family. There's no way it has to be done.  I keep going back to something my daddy-in-law said before we had AO. I was just certain how everything was going to be and how it was going to be done. He said to throw it all out the window. Parenthood is NEVER like you have it imagined in your head. If you just let go and roll with the punches, you will be much happier. Throw all the "have to do it this way" out the window and just let them be kids. Cold water for mud pies doesn't give them a snotty nose, it's a virus. Just let them be kids. Let them get dirty. Don't freak when they bust their lip for the 5th time in a month by jumping off the concrete steps. They'll survive.

The most important think I'm learning - when you need to step away, STEP AWAY. Not just in those seconds where you threaten to beat their hineys black and blue with the spankin' spoon for not listening to their mama. I step away to the real job. To grown up time in a grown up world. It makes me cherish my spring break vacation days that much more. It's a lot sweeter when you know it's all you get.

Just don't say -  "she's not going to remember any of this."  Well guess what folks, I will remember. I'm not sure when this notion started that you make memories for your kids to have and hold. You have kids to make memories for yourself. So if you want to slide, roll in the grass and make mud pies or buy purple potatoes because that's the color of the week, JUST DO IT. :-)

When the wee one is away

Mommy will play!

AO is busy with Nano over in Mississippi, and over in these here parts Mommy is getting her crafts going!

Can't wait to get this project finished!

VBS - decorating in progress

I can't wait to see it done and in person Sunday! 

It's VBS Time

Colossal Coaster World time! 

If there even is such a thing, I get the creative gene honest from my Mama. Right now she's a busy bee decorating for VBS at my hometown church. (And yes, I'm going to brag a little.)  She's the VBS director, and every outing with our family revolves around the theme the minute VBS is over, the training, planning decorating and "we need this for VBS". There is no telling how much time and money she gives willingly for this every year. It's her gift. Her niche. 

Today's agenda - Cotton Candy Cafe for snacks. Cuteness!

And before I get any ideas on "ooooo I need that for ABC's party", all this is typically donated (literature, too) for other churches without a VBS budget. Last year, 4 churches were able to use the same materials! What an awesome way to pass on the gospel!

I can't wait to see more! I'll get to go back to our daily conversations after June 15.  Lost her to VBS. But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

AND------

Big news! AO is going to her first VBS next week with NanO! She'll get to experience my favorite week of the year!

One of these days I'm going to figure out a way to take off and teach VBS. I miss it!

Now I'm waiting on the sanctuary pictures. It's always spectacular. 

Sure, the decor isn't necessary. But if being creative gets kids excited about a whole week of learning about Jesus, why not go the extra mile? 

Tonight's Thrift Store Makeover

I rarely get to experiment for fun using graphic design. Occasional fun invitations, but that's about it outside of the black, red, and blue colors in my real job as a graphic designer in the hardware industry. 

First, one of those 50% off thrift store frames. Second, taking it all apart. 

Painted the interior mat black to help the words pop a little more. 

Bonus points - Walgreens printed it (and a bunch of other projects) for 40% off. Score! I have to say....pleasantly surprised by their poster prints. I have another couple to show you once I get this all together. 

I haven't updated art in a long time....and it's time for a little personality in this joint! I'm craving color!!

Thrift Magic 101

I've become a bit of a thrift store junkie. Like the kind that would need rehab.

Remember how excited I was about this at our local Salvation Army Thrift Store? See the frames 50% off?

What, you gasp? Thrift stores have SALES!!!

 I came home with this load of loot. Check out that 1970's red covered bridge. Not a real painting....just the cardboard printed junk. 

 But the frame had potential. $4 bucks means LOADS of potential.. 

  

Sooo, I decided that after an almost year and a half sabbatical from painting, it was time to break out the brushes.

I'll fly away is one of my favorites. Reminds me of the washboard band I was in during college. But most importantly, it reminds me of my Pop. While he was in the shutting down process in hospice at the hospital, I filmed a moment that I want to be my last memory of him. He was out of it, and not very coherent. And not really himself. I had a moment alone with him, and we were singing I'll Fly Away. If you've ever been around a dying Christian, it was very much what he was wanting to do. Hard to explain, but the words are perfect. 

. 

So I did a little painting. The frame first, then a little art. A little white wash over the cardboard. Then to the fun stuff. Free hand painting. It was so nice to have paint all over my nails instead of garden dirt.

And now it has a new home on our portrait wall. 

$4 Art. Thanks to the hubs for letting Mama have a play date. ;-)

So...We're having another baby...Or not

That got your attention didn't it. 

Well, it got ours, too.

This one is a personal one, so you can stop reading if you don't like girl-talk.

But....If you choose to read it.... Make sure you read it all, k?

Here we go.

We got out BFP (Big Fat Positive) last week and were OOOOooo so excited. We were pregnant! Four (all positive) pregnancy tests later, we were sure and  pumped. Told our parents this past weekend.  Due January 17, my mom's birthday. 23 Months apart. Perfect. Bought AO her very own big sister shirt to wear around the house, so it could sink in with me.  Even had time to teach her to touch my belly and say baby. (So ignore that one if she does it to you.) Close in age will hopefully mean they will be close sisters. Because I just know it's a girl. (Silly, I know.)  I was already dreaming of a girly tweeny craft/music room instead of play room, making potholders and playing with baby dolls instead of playing play station, and hot pink and turquoise. (If we ever have a boy it's going to ROCK my world.)

Lets back up to 2010. Our first positive pregnancy test. It took soooo long the first time. We weren't trying - not like going to the fertility doctor trying. But we most certainly were not using any pregnancy precautions; and I was monitoring all that girly stuff you can monitor on your own to get pregnant. If that makes any sense. Then we lost the baby. And I cried. A lot. John did the "what if" game. A lot. And we grew closer. Our marriage got so much stronger.  Then (EXACTLY a year later TO THE DAY, total God Thing) AO was conceived. And (thank goodness) she had lots of baby magic (GOD) dust and stuck.

 But we never "struggled" with fertility problems. That's a different and much more difficult struggle entirely. We are just one of the millions of (what I consider) normal folks who can't flip the switch and have a baby.   In my crazy, glass-half-full way of thinking, I'm glad I never have to worry with birth control.

Back to the story.

So, last week, I made my doctor's appointments and signed up for blood work.

Then, Tuesday night, the bleeding started. Not to get too personal, but you can bleed pregnant. It's actually quite common. I never did with either of the past two pregnancies. Maybe a little spot, but this wasn't normal. It was worse than a regular cycle. The kind that wakes you up from dead asleep because you can feel it, not normal. (Sorry for the TMI!)

Long story short, we called the doctor, who suggested we come right in to the office. They wanted to do blood work and check the HCG levels.

Trying to get blood.  Not pleasant. 10 DIGGING sticks searching for a vein - even with the butterfly, the old timey syringe, 3 LPNs and 2 Lab Techs later for one itty bitty vial of blood out of the back of my wrist. That tender spot was the last resort, with the hospital lab expert they called in specifically to stick me. I seriously thought they would stick my foot any minute.  (In case you were wondering, I'm sore to match my black and blue today.) I was thanking my Granny again for her tiny, rolling, deep veins I inherited.

Later the same day, we got the dreaded phone call. "Your HCG levels are low. You need to come in tomorrow. It's really to early to make any conclusions, and Dr. E wants to do blood work again tomorrow." Heard that before. Like a 47 HCG at 6 weeks way too low. I knew exactly what this meant.  I keep up with these things. I knew my LMP and the conception date. This kinda bleeding with that number?

Possible miscarriage. Impending miscarriage. Whatever you want to call it.  But in my heart of hearts, I already knew the answer. I know what this means.

All I can say about this time... I thank GOD that this has been a faster process than last time. And that evidently getting pregnant wasn't as hard this time. (That's a bigggg whoopieeee!!! If you have ever struggled, you know what I mean.)  It's just staying pregnant that is the trouble.  And I am SO thankful that my body naturally miscarried (at least we're 90% sure) so that we don't have to go through the horrible waiting and waiting and DNC process. That part...where your brain plays tricks on you and you search online aimlessly for hours even though you know in your gut the truth....it is painful. Ultrasounds, bloodwork, more ultrasounds, misoprostol, then DNC, then more blood work drawn out over weeks so a quick closure is impossible. 

The only thing to do this time - keep getting blood draws until the HCG is zero. That I can handle. 

The God-given peace is SO extremely comforting this time. I don't have false hope. And I am so thankful for the peace.  I know it's better for me physically and emotionally. The first miscarriage was confusing, long, drawn-out and scary. This one - not so much.  I had another close friend go through one recently. And then, there's my bestie Kimberly's story.  Makes my little bitty suffering so much simpler.  And thinking about her pain makes mine hurt so much less. I truly don't know that kind of hurt and pain.  I have a child. I don't have a reason to make myself suffer this time. I am truly ok.

 Most people don't like talking about these type things. And I get it. It's personal. So very personal. But for whatever reason, it makes it easier for me to put it all out there. Plus, by putting it out there you get all the folks who tell you it happened to them. Which believe me, is a lot of people. When I think of my close circle, 75% have had a pregnancy loss of some kind. Blighted ovum, ectopic, molar. It happens, and it is extremely common. Maybe my thought is that by talking about loss, we up the chances that some girl out there will hear about it BEFORE it happens to her for the first time. Because that first time is the worst. So she's not so shocked and can handle it better. So she knows it is absolutely normal. Maybe, just maybe.

Or maybe it's more selfish. Maybe then we won't get the "so when are you having another?" questions, which I DREAD. If you aren't in my innermost circle, you don't get to ask that question. I hated it before Arleigh, too. I always want so bad to say (for 6 years before AO) "When God wants a baby to stick and grow in my uterus, you numb-skull."  (Not the most Christian like response, I realize.)  What do people think, anyway? What do you expect the answer to be? You want me to pull out my iphone tracker so you can see my ovulation cycle? (Sorry, I can be a little much at times.) If you are in the circle, you know all of this anyway.  So if you have friends going through this, for goodness sake be delicate on how you approach this situation.

I'm headed to go cuddle my precious (and ohhh so sweet) Arleigh right now. It's like she's extra cuddly just for me. :-)  My heart is definitely full with her. But there also seems to be a piece of our family that is missing. It's hard to explain. I'm just still torn on how the other piece of the family will fit. If you know us, you know I am oh-so-pro adoption. We have very precious members of our family and church who have adopted domestically and internationally - some because of fertility issues and some because they had that calling. But John has this idea that his kids are all biological. In my heart I know God will change his heart if it needs changing. Only God knows our game plan.  Maybe we'll be pregnant again in no time. Maybe God will make my family complete as it is in my heart. I'm not going to stress about it. That's all in God's plan. Just gotta trust it. 

The peace you feel when you just let go. That peace, the sweet relief that only comes from Him...I'm enjoying it. And I refuse to let this little bump in the road take my joy. I'm going to use it to draw closer. This life is way to short to spend it miserable.  So now you know. I really am okay with all this. 

Later Gators.  I'll leave you with this. Another Jesus Calling. Don't you just love it? There is something so comforting about Jesus talking directly with you. And I love this one. It's especially true right now. This one hits home. It's so hard to have this kind of trust and faith, isn't it? Trying to tell the human brain to not worry? But He loves us THAT much.

I, the Creator of the universe, am with you and for you. What more could you need? When you feel some lack, it is because you are not connecting with Me at a deep level. I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything.

It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving, and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
—Romans 8:31–32

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.
—Micah 7:7


Happy Memorial Day weekend to you and yours.

Hope you have a "Whaley" good summer!

 

These were AO's end of year treats for her little school friends. Personalized Sand Buckets! 

Buckets were from the DOLLAR TREE. The hardest part were the icky labels. 

Hope you have a "whaley" good summer, too! 

Diary Entry - Here's Where Things Get Real

Oh man. We got some news today. Good news. Great news. But still scary news.

But with everything going on in my life, and the lives of my friends, it makes finding the joy in things hard. I know I serve a God who loves me. Who gave His son for me. But why do some receive blessings when others are in the midst of a hard, hard road?

I'm loving Jesus Calling right now. 

I am a mighty God. Nothing is too difficult for Me. I have chosen to use weak ones like you to accomplish My purposes. Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power. Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day’s demands against your strength. What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources.When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic. Remember that I am with you. Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation.

I am not a careless God. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them. Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength.

“For nothing is impossible with God.”
—Luke 1:37

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
—2 Corinthians 12:9 - http://bit.ly/eF5kSq 

Equip me, God.

Homemade laundry detergent

My recipe is a bit different.Perfectly safe for HE machines. One tablespoon per load.

One Bar Fels-Naptha - Shredded
One Bar Pink Zote - Shredded
One big bag Baking Soda
One Bottle Purex Crystals for Smell Good
One Box Biz
One Container Oxyclean
Two Boxes Borax

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

For a few months, John took over taking AO to school in the mornings. He's a mailman, and they changed their start time until later, so it made sense because he had extra time in the morning.

But this Mama didn't like it. I missed my morning rides to school with my 14 month old sweetie. I missed all the chit-chat with the teachers about what my kiddo was getting into. (She's the one with no fear...Also known as the paci thief.)  So I started taking her again. I soak up any moments I can get as a working Mama.

This morning, we were doing our usual sing-songs with Mama singing and acting like a nut.   We only have a two mile stretch to the church, but it's filled with nutty-Mama antics.  This morning, I was singing the old fashioned ♫ "Jesus Loves Me", except for every "Me", we say "Arleigh", just like we have done since she was a itty-bitty.

I got to the end - "The Bible Tells me Soooooo".... and once I finished, I heard a wee little sweet voice in the back seat go ♪♪♫♪♫ "da bi-buh...." (Translation - The Bible ♪♪♫♪♫) PRECIOUSNESS.  We've only sung this song every day of her life... But she's listening. And I love it. My baby is growing up on me.  Makes me really glad I hijacked back my morning daycare drops. :-)

I love my morning dose of K-Love on Iheartradio. I do country most afternoons, but K-Love is how I start my day. Tuscaloosa doesn't have a local station that plays K-Love, only AFR.

Anyhoo, this is my current favorite song.  I just LOVE the words. I encourage you to stop and listen. Even if you aren't in a dark spot, there are always some fuzzy moments where songs like this help. Mercies in disguise. I just love that thought.

My favorite line:
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

I've SO been there before. Have you?  That point where all you know to do is get on your knees and pray "God, Help Me" - this song hits home.

Right now we're climbing a pretty good mountain peak in our lives, and in our marriage. But it always hasn't been this way. It's a challenge. Sometimes a daily challenge. (I have a hard time with the think before you speak thing...But I'm REALLY working on it.) 

I don't open up a lot about the journey I'm on because it's personal, but it's also a constant battle. I'm not always the best witness for my faith. Especially when I face challenges.  It's ups and downs. Then downs. Then ups. Then mountain peaks. Then the depths of the valley again. But it all makes sense. Because it's mercies in disguise. HIS mercies in disguise.






"Blessings"  Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near


What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

My Two Kids - Dog is Baby's Best Friend

I wasn't so sure how Clarence would be with a baby sister. He's a dog (shhh!) after all. 

When AO came home from the hospital, he was automatically a good kind of protective. He'd get between anyone new and her baby bed. (But not in a mean way..In a good, "let me check you out" kinda way.) 

He'd go up and lick her face when she'd cry. (And it worked...she would stop.)  That doesn't work now, but they've moved on.

Now they play together. 

Meet Clarence. Also known as Arleigh's favorite chair. 

 

He's the first one to wake her up in the morning. He plows past me pushing open the door and gate into her room and starts huffing, whining and spinning in circles until she wakes up. He also licks her face and feet or whatever body part he can reach through the crib bars. (He's REALLY happy to see her.) This little trick is not so adorable when Clarence thinks she's napped or slept long enough, and HE decides it's time to wake her. It happens, too, unfortunately for Mama. His parents aren't exciting enough now that AO is in his world.

AO kisses Clarence and gives him real hugs. Probably 10x as many as she gives her Mama and Daddy. I wish I were joking, because I would LOVE some of that TLC from my kiddo.  And they are just sporadic. She randomly goes up and plants a big ole kiss on his shiny wet nose. The hugs are pretty precious, too. Maybe I should spend more time down on her level. (I'm jealous, can you tell?)

They play a mean game of keep away. Clarence keeps something and runs from AO, AO gets something and runs giggling hysterically from Clarence. This goes on for what seems like hours.Sometimes concluding with a tug-a-war game and the parents intervening. Bless it.

AO is concerned about Clarence's nutrition, so she feeds him from her highchair. Sometime he even wears the food because she's flinging it so fast. She also shares her snacks. She doesn't understand why she can't play in his food or water, though.  We've even caught her licking her tray like Clarence does. Yuck. Not much for southern manners and grace, there, honey. Cuts down on the silverware, though.

We take her toys away from Clarence, AO immediately gives it back to him. Same way with him. We take his toys from her, He picks it up and drops it at her feet.  At least she is really learning to share. They have a "what's mine is his" kinda friendship.

She rubs his belly. He nuzzles hers and makes her roll over. And PUSHES her over while she's laughing.  He gooses her with the big black nose. Again, she giggles hysterically.

He lays on the bathroom floor when she takes a bath and gets ready for bed.

He's the last one out of her room when she goes to bed at night. (EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.) 

Did I mention they were best friends? Like, Seriously.

From the beginning, we let them find their own way to mesh together. We haven't pushed it. And we haven't discouraged it. There are times when we have to tell Clarence to be gentle, or slow down. Same goes for Arleigh O. (HE LOVES running beside her in the hall and goosing her into the wall. And she HATES it. That's her least favorite game. The "Clarence is so excited to see me he knocks me into the wall" game. She's not a fan. Neither is her Mama. Just like she has to be closely watched rubbing the belly, because she's pulled parts that shouldn't be touched on ANY creature.)  But the majority of the time, they mesh so well together, they don't need intervention. Of course we watch them very closely, because he's still (gasp) a dog.  That's the best advice I can give on the dog-baby relationship. Let them do what comes natural if it's safe. Even the (icky) licking and kisses. Just let them be. Clarence is a very gentle-natured dog. And we do trust him. But safely monitoring the trust.

I never thought I would be an inside-the-house dog person. But he's Clarence. And he's the best rescued from a gutter-mutt-black-dog-child-brother on the planet.

Teacher Appreciation Week - And Free Printable

"Donut" Forget the Teacher! We did this little number for Teacher Appreciation Week.

It's important not to forget the teachers of the wee-ones, too!

If you can't tell, we start artistry early. AO is a 14 month old who SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER when you take up her crayons or markers. She hasn't figured out the paint yet, though. She also eats crayons, but that's another story.

Donuts are a perfect little thank you.

Perfect anytime a special someone in your life needs a treat. Could be a friend, co-workers, church buds...Whoever needs a  thank you. And they are great for sharing!

 

We taped it to our doughnut box and voila! Easy treat to make someone feel special.

Why don't you print it out and give someone a special little thank you?